It's Mac-n-Cheese for the Hoi Polloi as Obama Golfs for Lobster

WASHINGTON, DC | by Robert Feeley - The results of a $4 billion government task force study on the middle class were released this morning, and the conclusion is: If you're middle class, then it sucks to be you!

     

Task force co-chairs Thurston Howell III and wife Lovey spoke with SPN Headlines, saying they were quite appalled at the current state of the common class. Mr. Howell said, "Gadzooks man, we discovered this substance called macaroni and cheese that the bourgeoisie actually eat! Thank God we're rich!" Senator John Kerry (D-Ma.) was originally a task force member but Howell (Harvard '52) gave him the boot, saying, "I simply will not work with a Yale man!"

President Obama took a moment from his golf game this morning to speak with SPN Headlines saying, "This report concerns me deeply and I plan to read it as soon as I finish this round. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lobster dinner bet on this hole. Fore!"

Accused Criminals Will Judge for Themselves

"I am totally not guilty"

WASHINGTON, DC | by Erica Bazoombas - The Department of Justice announced today that beginning immediately all persons accused of a crime in the United States will personally investigate the incident and then proclaim whether they are guilty or innocent of said criminal infraction(s). The move seems to parallel the decision by Eric Holder's Justice Department to investigate and adjudicate Eric Holder's Justice Department. "I believe there is something in the Constitution (Article 3, Section 2) about evidence and juries and blah blah blah, but I can't find my copy," said Holder.

President Obama interrupted his golf game to comment on the historic legal directive, saying "I know even less about this than Attorney General Holder, and he knows nothing." 

ObamaCare: Doctors Will "Tweet" Patients

Dr. Ben Dover

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - As details of President Obama's health care plan emerge, there is one major change that will influence the way doctors and their patients interact. Instead of traditional office visits, the plan calls for physicians to "Tweet" people when they are ill.   

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Ben Dover explained the process at a press conference this morning and outlined a typical doctor-patient "Twitter visit" in the near future. Patient: "Doctor Blotz! I have blood coming out of my eyes, my legs are paralyzed, and my fever is 120. Please help me!" Doctor Blotz: "You ingrate, I am trying to play golf! I'll have my nurse Tweet Walgreen's with a prescription for medical marijuana." Patient: "Awesome, dude! Thank goodness for ObamaCare." Dr. Blotz: "Fore!"



"Now, wasn't that simple?" asked Dover, the supreme sawbones for Obama's new socialist state. "With any luck the majority of Americans will be so totally baked they will forget about their trivial illnesses and get in line with the President's agenda."

Apple CEO Thanks Congress with New iPhones

(Washington, DC) Apple CEO Tim Cook thanked each member of congress today with a the gift a new iPhone 50 after the inept and impotent lawmakers pretended to beat up the businessman for not paying enough taxes. Cook told SPN Headlines, "I toss some old phones at them and they leave us alone for a few years. It's a little game we play."

Congresszombie Nancy Pelosi was mesmerized by the phone, saying "They tell me this iPhone 50 is ten times better than the iPhone 5, you know, but I can't even figure out how to get the interweb on it. I love it!"

Weiner Completes Rehab, Will Run for Mayor

Anderson Cooper: 
"Girls are icky."

(New York) - by Robert Feeley - Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner has declared he will run for mayor of New York City this November and says he is a changed man after undergoing a rigid libido-lessening treatment.

Weiner completed intense sex-aversion therapy at the Flaccid Fellowship, according to his wife, Huma Abedin. The program is operated by former roué Pee Wee Herma,n who spoke with SPN on the condition we pay him $10.

Herman: "Girls are icky."

Herman described the course administered to Weiner: "Brother Tony successfully endured our standard regimen of saltpeter, alcohol and cigarettes, as well as forced viewing of the nude images of Rosie O'Donnell and Hillary Clinton," said Herman. Asked how Weiner responded to treatment, Pee Wee said, "there were times the poor bastard cried like a baby and begged for mercy." Mr. Herman also said he recalls that the lamentable lech once spent a whole weekend dry humping a fire extinguisher.

The controversial cult uses electro-shock therapy to ingrain the dangers of female cooties into the subconscious minds of their convalescents. Limp leader Pee Wee said, "The next time Mr. Weiner ponders sending a lewd photo on the internet, he will immediately suffer painful groin spasms and crumple to the floor, his penis resembling a boiled prune." He added, "Trust me, it's a better way of life."

Obama: Pets Will Starve if Sequester Continues

(WASHINGTON) - by Robert Feeley  

 <<WARNING-Disturbing Video 

President Barack Obama escalated his portent about severe consequences if sequester-related budget cuts continue, saying millions of puppies and kittens will starve to death. "The cuts to federal pet food programs will doom Fluffy and Fido" Obama warned, speaking to reporters this morning. He also narrated a video which showed a kitten in the throes of death from starvation. The President then left for a lobster lunch and golf at the Politburo Country Club.

Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) reacted to the president's predictions, saying his party would not allow innocent pets to suffer a slow and painful demise. He spoke to SPN Headlines at the Virginia Gun and Tennis Club in Alexandria, saying "I assure you, kittens and puppies in my district will not endure such a dreadful demise." He added, "As a hunter, I will see to it that they are dispatched humanely with a clean shot to the head." Boehner then started to weep uncontrollably, and hurried to his limousine to join the President for golf.

New Nut Groups Replacing ACORN

GREENWICH, Ct. | by Robert Feeley - Now that the controversial group ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) has faded into the sunset, new community action agencies are sprouting up all over the country hoping to cash in on fresh cash being printed by President Obama. And it seems many of them are emulating ACORN's use of a nuciferous acronym.

In Miami, the group ALMOND (Alliance of Latino Men Organized for Narcissistic Diversions) held a news conference, promising to help impoverished south Floridians with millions in government money they now hope to receive. Spokesman Emilio Testiculos Gigante said Almond has contracted with Bacardi Rum and Latina Escorts LLC to purchase goods and services for the poor.

Senator Richard “Dick” Durbin of Illinois pledged his support today for another new group, CASHEW (Chicago Association Supporting Hate for Everyone White) and denied charges the group supports hate or is racist. Durbin, traveling to Hawaii aboard a congressional jet said, "We just want to help the poor."

Kensington Smythe IV, president of Greenwich, Connecticut based PECAN (Persons Eschewing Contact with Anyone Nettlesome) refused to answer questions from the media saying, “Begone, your queries annoy me, knave!” The group’s charter states their goal is to provide financial aid to millionaires who are being hit by the recession, forcing some to cut back on household staff and vacations abroad.

And in California, a pro-marijuana group calling themselves PISTACHIO convened their first meeting and said their goal will be to use tax money to produce low-cost pipes and bongs for disadvantaged farmers. Leader Herb Budski promised he will come up with a reverse acronym for PISTACHIO as soon as his head clears and someone explains what a "reverse acronym" is to him.

FAA Says Skies Will Remain Safe

WASHINGTON, D.C.  - by Robert Feeley - The Federal Aviation Administration said today there is no reason for the public to worry about the upcoming Obama budget cuts, as they will be conducting "formal" inspections of airline maintenance procedures to ensure safe travel for all.

Emphasizing the gravity of the situation, Transportation Secretary Ray "Crash" Lahood spoke to reporters dressed appropriately in a well-tailored Christian Dior tuxedo, and said he would not discuss specific cuts as that "might scare the shit out of people." The inspections will be "interminable, superficial, and inordinate, keeping with what Americans expect from their government," promised LaHood. 

Mike "Crash" Webster

Many fear that budget cuts will allow airlines to cut back on critical maintenance procedures such as failing to change the oil or wiper blades, not rotating the tires, and forgetting to bolt engines to the wings. “These are minor issues,” said Deke Hopkins, chief of operations for Whammo Airlines, a new discount carrier serving the busy corn corridor between Beaver City, Nebraska and Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

767 Mechanic
Skip Turner

Hopkins went on to explain Whammo’s use of baboons as certified aviation mechanics for maintenance on their fleet, “These guys work their little red butts off for us and they're cheap as hell....no union for baboons! They can really turn a wrench, and they don’t need immigration papers, just their rabies shots!”

LaHood also said the FAA is seriously considering the proposal by some airlines to place fat passengers in the cargo compartment. 

Linguists Brawl Over "Obama"

BOSTON, Mass. | by Robert Feeley - A normally subdued group of language authorities gathering for their annual convention erupted into a riot this morning after discussions regarding the proper plural form of the name Obama became unpleasant.

The Grammarians and Linguists Society meets annually to discuss changes in language as they relate to societal metamorphoses, and had convened at the Downtown Marriott. Spokesman Hugh G. Rection vehemently denied a riot occurred saying, “We prefer the locutions 'melee' or 'donnybrook' if you please.”

The debate began last night with the group halving into factions; The first group favored Obamae as the proper plural form of the president’s surname, e.g. “Oh, Chef, the Obamae will all have lobster for dinner.” The second group favored Obama, with no s to be the standard, e.g. “Mildred, look at all the Obama eating lobster.” It was previously agreed by consensus that Obamas with just an s was too commonplace for a man generally accepted as divine. Deliberations raged on into the early morning.

Tensions crested when Harvard College of Linguistics and Bartending Professor Wilhelm Wisenheimer delivered a dissertation suggesting that the word Obama is actually the plural form of 'Obamum' which is a small bone in the foot, and implored that no further action be taken. The professor, best known as impetus for the query What are you, some kind of a fucking wisenheimer? was hissed off the stage by the legion of livid lexicographers and pelted with composition books and pencils. Police quickly subjugated the disturbance, using bullhorns to mispronounce the words arctic and prescription, which compelled the revolting mob's retreat to their rooms. No final decision was rendered on the issue and no arrests were made.

Clinton's Condition Corrodes, Transfers to O.C.U.

New York City - by Erica Bazoombas | Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's condition was downgraded to "boring as hell" as she was placed into the new Obama Care Unit at Politburo Hospital in New York City this morning. Clinton's personal physician, Dr. Sy Kottick, said that an old paper cut flared up on New Year's Day and caused the dilapidated diplomat to become even more useless than normal."Kind of like Bill," explained Kotic.

Clinton Spokescyborg Wilma Windbag said the Secretary hopes to be released in time to testify at Congressional hearings on the Benghazi debacle: "I assure you that Ms. Clinton does not know Ben Ghazi and she has never even met him, and furthermore we will do everything possible to assure justice and blah-blah with the middle class blah-blah and bad rich people blah-blah. Thank you, and blah." President Obama briefly interrupted his golf game in Hawaii this morning to say "What she said."