Monday, April 20, 2015

Homeland Insecurity Czar: "Start Drinking Heavily"

Prozac, N.J. | by Robert Feeley | A recession-mired economy, the prospect of higher prices, and growing job insecurity have shaken American confidence in the future according to a Quinnipiac poll released yesterday. Americans are feeling less secure in their jobs and more worried about the country's direction in the midst of a 5 year-old recession and signs of widespread economic distress in nearly every sector.  

Responding to these fears, President Obama today named Alfred E. Neuman as Czar of the newly created Department of Homeland Insecurity. Obama spoke to reporters and other neurotics this morning saying, “I think Al’s motto ‘What, me worry?’ will go a long way to ease tensions during these difficult times.” His remarks came during the dedication of a new Suicide Prevention Center and Gun Range in Prozac, New Jersey. Obama added, “Folks are scared as hell and so am I, quite frankly. Everyone should just chill, God damn it!” He then stepped outside for a shot of vodka and a cigarette. 

Neuman made a rare public appearance with Obama and calmly told reporters, “My house is on fire as we speak, my son is dating Miley Cyrus, and I think I just pooped in my pants. Do I worried?” He then explained that his first order of business will be an ad campaign aimed at distraught American workers.

Posters featuring Neuman will be distributed to unemployment offices across the country with the caption: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Asked if he thought the campaign would boost morale Neuman replied, “Well, I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. Who the hell cares. WTF.”

Sunday, March 1, 2015

North Korea Threatens War

(SEOUL, South Korea) — by Robert Feeley - North Korea put its armed forces on standby today and threatened a rocket attack, or "at least a nasty skirmish" with any country that jeopardizes their security. The threat came despite several failed rocket tests, most recently a NK44 Super-Duper Rocket that traveled 40 meters and crashed into a Dunkin Donuts in Pyongyang, killing 950 dissidents who happened to be drinking coffee there. 

Reports also surfaced today that North Korean leader Kim Jong un is trying to hire former Star Trek star James “Scotty” Doohan to lead the nation’s missile program out of calamity despite the fact that Doohan died in 2005.

Kim appeared at a picnic and public execution wearing a Chicago Bears football helmet and proclaimed “We will fill the heavens with rockets, and this time they will reach their targets, although you never know. Let me know what happens.” The eccentric leader personally beheaded 19 traitors, barbecued a poodle, posed for pictures kissing babies and then retreated to a bunker several thousand feet below ground.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Linguists Brawl Over "Obama"

New York, NY | by Robert Feeley- A normally subdued group of language authorities gathering for their annual convention erupted into a riot this morning after discussions regarding the proper plural form of the name Obama became unpleasant.

The Grammarians and Linguists Society meets annually to discuss changes in language as they relate to societal metamorphoses, and had convened at the Grand Hyatt. Spokesman Hugh G. Rection vehemently denied a riot occurred saying, “We prefer the locutions 'melee' or 'donnybrook' if you please.”

The debate began last night with the group halving into factions; The first group favored Obamae as the proper plural form of the president’s surname, e.g. “Oh, Chef, the Obamae will all have lobster for dinner.” The second group favored Obama, with no s to be the standard, e.g. “Mildred, look at all the Obama eating lobster.” It was previously agreed by consensus that Obamas with just an s was too commonplace for a man generally accepted as divine. Deliberations raged on into the early morning.

Tensions crested when Harvard College of Linguistics and Bartending Professor Wilhelm Wisenheimer delivered a dissertation suggesting that the word Obama is actually the plural form of 'Obamum' which is a small bone in the foot, and implored that no further action be taken. The professor, best known as impetus for the query What are you, some kind of a fucking wisenheimer? was hissed off the stage by the legion of livid lexicographers and pelted with composition books and pencils. Police quickly subjugated the disturbance, using bullhorns to mispronounce the words arctic and prescription, which compelled the revolting mob's retreat to their rooms. No final decision was rendered on the issue and no arrests were made.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Jeb Bush Taps Running Mate Early

Washington, D.C. | by Al Dente - Former Florida governor Jeb Bush plunged the 2016 race for President into chaos last night by announcing he will seek the Republican party nomination. He made the shocking declaration in enemy territory: the msnbc TV show of Leninist lesbian Rachel Maddow.

Bush further rocked the political scene when he named his running mate, a decision normally not made until much later in the process. His choice of SPN Headlines political analyst Erica Bazoombas is likely a move to lure more women to the GOP, as well as attract perverts. Bazoombas is adored the world over for her gigantic integrity and her warm, enormous heart. Bush declared, "I chose Erica for three very critical reasons, it's just that I can only think of two at this moment. I'll have to get back to you."

Maddow was visibly stunned when Bush introduced Ms. Bazoombas, who was assisted onto the set by two stagehands. "Holy Mary mother of God!" gasped Maddow. She added, "Bush and Bazoombas, now that's a ticket I have no choice but to support."

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Obama Creates New Holiday: "Chranzukkahboom"

Washington, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - President Obama has decreed by executive order a new American holiday called Chranzukkahboom, to be celebrated every April 15th. Obama declared the day of celebration will replace all other holidays, except for his birthday, which is unknown.

The name "Chranzukkahboom" is derived from Christmas (CHR) - Kwanzaa (ANZ) - Hanukkah (UKKAH) and (BOOM) to honor the holy Muslim tradition of blowing things up. All gifts for Chranzukkahboom must be forwarded to the Treasury Department for distribution by government authorities.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Charlie Crist is Now Lady Charlene

Fort Lauderdale, Fl. - by Erica Bazoombas - He's been a Republican, he's been a Democrat. He's been conservative, and he's been liberal. He had an Android, he had an iPhone. In a stunning development, SPN News has now learned that he is now a she!  He had a dog, now he's got a pussy!

Frustrated by his campaign's inability to gain support, former Florida Governor Charlie Crist recently had his penis removed in a procedure performed at the Pee Wee Herman Institute for Microscopic Medicine in Fort Lauderdale. He will be listed on the official ballot as Lady Charlene Crist. 

"I am now the only candidate who can see an issue from the perspective of a man and a woman," said the caponized candidate at a press conference today. "I woke up this morning, reached down to scratch my balls, and.....well let's just say it was real WTF moment. But I'm happy!"

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Obama Endorses New Golf Clubs

Washington DC - by Erica Bazoombas - The White House revealed today that President Obama has engaged in a heretofore unheard-of enterprise for a sitting chief executive. He has endorsed a commercial product, the Big Allah line of golf clubs.

"I have to start thinking of my retirement income." Obama said this morning. Jihad Sporting Goods LLC, maker of the clubs is reportedly paying the President 4.5 billion dollars to use the clubs. Jihad also makes the popular "Caliphate Frisbee" which is designed to behead infidels, but it is not yet legal in the U.S.

The Hacker-in-Chief appeared at a press conference and showed off his new Big Allah driver. "This beauty will add 10 to 20 inches to my drive," said the limp-wristed duffer. Obama then ignored an urgent call from the Pentagon and left for the golf course.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Holder Orders Non-Lethal Ammo for Police

Washington, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Responding to recent police shootings, Attorney General Eric Holder today ordered that law-enforcement personnel must carry only non-lethal bullets, effective immediately. Criminals and terrorists will continue to use deadly ammunition "to give them a fighting chance," said the nations leading bottom-feeder.

The new bullets are manufactured by Beatnik Ballistics LLC in El Segundo, California and are made of a soy and wheat germ mixture. "These bullets don't penetrate the flesh, but instead they gently tickle the targeted person, so he or she feels better" said Beatnik spokesperson Stanley Stoner. The company is also developing a riot-control grenade that emits a pleasant patchouli aroma instead of tear gas.

"The police just oppress minorities and the poor by senselessly shooting them," said Holder at a press conference. He then dashed from the dais to chase an ambulance carrying a slip-and-fall victim.

Monday, August 18, 2014

White House Defends Obama's Golf

Spokesman Says Many Presidents Played Golf in Times of Trouble

Clinton's Golf Instructor
WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Conservative pundits have blasted President Obama for playing golf during the current spate of scandals and crises, but White House spokesman Josh Earnest says the practice is commonplace and this morning cited examples of previous presidents who used golf as stress-relieving therapy.

"President George W. Bush, in the days following 9/11 played Frisbee golf almost every day," said Earnest. "The problem was that he couldn't figure out how to get the Frisbee into the hole, and eventually he gave up."

Earnest also explained that during the dark days of his impeachment hearings, former President Bill Clinton would go out on the links to rid his mind of anxiety and tribulations. "President Clinton played golf at night, so as to not attract crowds and he even hired a private teacher," said Earnest. "That man was totally committed to perfecting his stroke."

Monday, July 14, 2014

Obama Launches "Cash for Crappers"

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Despite several studies concluding that "Cash for Clunkers" was a giant stinking turd for the U.S. economy, the Obama administration today rolled out it's new "Cash for Crappers" initiative, which will provide government cash to citizens who turn in their old toilets and purchase a  more efficient bidet fixture. Government environmentalists say the plan will cut consumer's use of paper by 78%, save billions of trees, and create trillions of green jobs. 

The Obama administration's efforts to induce Americans to wipe poo with their hands was failing miserably said White House spokesman Josh Ernest. "We eliminated the TP here in the White House, but no one would shake the president's hand, so we installed the bidets," said Ernest.

Bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. Users who are unfamiliar with them often confuse a bidet with a urinal, toilet, or even a drinking fountain. "That is a very bad idea," warned President Obama. "It tastes terrible."

Consumers can begin turning in their old crappers to their local Democrat Party headquarters immediately, and should receive a cash voucher from the government "in a few months."