Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Obama Launches DUH - Department of Ubiquitous Hope

WASHINGTON D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Cataclysmic calamities like ObamaCare and a poor economy are clogging news reports and causing many Americans to become confused, crestfallen, even catatonic.

Responding to these critical concerns, President Obama announced that a new federal agency, the Department of Ubiquitous Hope (DUH) will offer support to people who need assurance that the country isn't careening into the crapper.

The president spoke this morning to a group of liberal media elitists who gathered to
grovel at his feet and said, "My administration will respond to the hopeless by saying what we always say: DUH!"

Obama introduced his wife Michelle who will head up DUH as well as another new federal agency to be known as the United People's Department of Change (UPDOC). "For the first time in my adult life, I know what's up doc," said the first lady as the group of boot-licking adulators swooned in ecstasy. The Trotskyist twosome then helicoptered to the Politburo Club for lunch.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Obama Launches "Mortgages for Morons"

"I love Obama!"
Prozac, N.J. | by Erica Bazoombas - President Obama spoke to about 20,000 depressed people this morning who are about to lose their homes to foreclosure. "I promise, you will not lose your homes" Obama assured the disheartened audience. "Unless you are late with your payment, then you're out on your ass," he added.

Hoping to win over America's growing population of mentally-challenged voters, Obama unveiled his "Mortgages for Morons" program, and in 24 hours the program induced 5000 stupid people to purchase oceanfront homes in Arizona. "These idiots can't even fill out out a loan application, so I don't know what good it will do," said Obama. "But it makes us look good. WTF."

Homeland Insecurity Czar: "Start Drinking Heavily"

Prozac, N.J. | by Robert Feeley | A recession-mired economy, the prospect of higher prices, and growing job insecurity have shaken American confidence in the future according to a Quinnipiac poll released yesterday. Americans are feeling less secure in their jobs and more worried about the country's direction in the midst of a 5 year-old recession and signs of widespread economic distress in nearly every sector.  

Responding to these fears, President Obama today named Alfred E. Neuman as Czar of the newly created Department of Homeland Insecurity. Obama spoke to reporters and other neurotics this morning saying, “I think Al’s motto ‘What, me worry?’ will go a long way to ease tensions during these difficult times.” His remarks came during the dedication of a new Suicide Prevention Center and Gun Range in Prozac, New Jersey. Obama added, “Folks are scared as hell and so am I, quite frankly. Everyone should just chill, God damn it!” He then stepped outside for a shot of vodka and a cigarette. 

Neuman made a rare public appearance with Obama and calmly told reporters, “My house is on fire as we speak, my son is dating Miley Cyrus, and I think I just pooped in my pants. Do I worried?” He then explained that his first order of business will be an ad campaign aimed at distraught American workers.

Posters featuring Neuman will be distributed to unemployment offices across the country with the caption: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Asked if he thought the campaign would boost morale Neuman replied, “Well, I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. Who the hell cares. WTF.”

Friday, November 15, 2013

ObamaCare: Doctors Will "Tweet" Patients

Dr. Ben Dover
WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - As details of President Obama's health care plan emerge, there is one major change that will influence the way doctors and their patients interact. Instead of traditional office visits, the plan calls for physicians to "Tweet" people when they are ill.   

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Ben Dover explained the process at a press conference this morning and outlined a typical doctor-patient "Twitter visit" in the near future. Patient: "Doctor Blotz! I have blood coming out of my eyes, my legs are paralyzed, and my fever is 120. Please help me!" Doctor Blotz: "You ingrate, I am trying to play golf! I'll have my nurse Tweet Walgreen's with a prescription for medical marijuana." Patient: "Awesome, dude! Thank goodness for ObamaCare." Dr. Blotz: "Fore!"

"Now, wasn't that simple?" asked Dover, the supreme sawbones for Obama's new socialist state. "With any luck the majority of Americans will be so totally baked they will forget about their trivial illnesses and get in line with the President's agenda."

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Obama's New Health Care Czar is Dead

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - Amid all the chaos and confusion most Americans are experiencing regarding the future of their healthcare, the Obama administration today appointed Marcus Welby, M.D. as Czar of ObamaCare. White House spokesman Jay Carney made the startling announcement in the White House briefing room and unveiled several pro-ObamaCare posters featuring the beloved family physician.

"Americans are basically stupid," said Carney. "They need Dr. Welby to explain that ObamaCare is good for them, so they can go back to watching Honey Boo Boo, listening to rap music and taking drugs." Agitated and bewildered, Carney continued, "We know what's best for the people, so just shut the fuck up. And yes, that means you," he said, pointing to SPN reporter Erica Bazoombas.

When Bazoombas questioned Carney about the fact that Marcus Welby portrayer Robert Young died in 1998, she was quickly wrestled to the ground by Secret Service agents and taken away.  

Friday, August 16, 2013

TSA Hires Tiger for Special Searches

Security Alert: Passengers Must Wear Thong Underwear
WASHINGTON | by Robert Feeley - The Obama administration has announced a new policy regarding clothing for passengers boarding commercial flights in the United States. The Transportation Safety Administration calls it the Physical Examination of Random Voyagers, or PERV program.

The modus operandi of Christmas Day airplane bomber Abdul Whacko al Kaboom - explosives in his underpants - prompted Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to order that all passengers must wear thong underwear and be subject to random panty inspections effective immediately.
Safety Inspection at
Chicago's O'Hair Airport

The announcement brought a flood of employment applications for the position of Special PERV Inspector. Disgraced golfer Tiger Woods was first in line among hundreds of other high-spirited horndogs this morning at TSA headquarters and was hired for duty at Orlando International Airport. Mr. Woods spoke with SPN and said, "I'm looking forward to this new challenge. They want the lines to move fast at the airport and nobody gets a skirt up and panties down faster than me!"

Monday, August 12, 2013

Linguists Brawl Over "Obama"

BOSTON, Mass. | by Robert Feeley - A normally subdued group of language authorities gathering for their annual convention erupted into a riot this morning after discussions regarding the proper plural form of the name Obama became unpleasant.

The Grammarians and Linguists Society meets annually to discuss changes in language as they relate to societal metamorphoses, and had convened at the Downtown Marriott. Spokesman Hugh G. Rection vehemently denied a riot occurred saying, “We prefer the locutions 'melee' or 'donnybrook' if you please.”

The debate began last night with the group halving into factions; The first group favored Obamae as the proper plural form of the president’s surname, e.g. “Oh, Chef, the Obamae will all have lobster for dinner.” The second group favored Obama, with no s to be the standard, e.g. “Mildred, look at all the Obama eating lobster.” It was previously agreed by consensus that Obamas with just an s was too commonplace for a man generally accepted as divine. Deliberations raged on into the early morning.

Tensions crested when Harvard College of Linguistics and Bartending Professor Wilhelm Wisenheimer delivered a dissertation suggesting that the word Obama is actually the plural form of 'Obamum' which is a small bone in the foot, and implored that no further action be taken. The professor, best known as impetus for the query What are you, some kind of a fucking wisenheimer? was hissed off the stage by the legion of livid lexicographers and pelted with composition books and pencils. Police quickly subjugated the disturbance, using bullhorns to mispronounce the words arctic and prescription, which compelled the revolting mob's retreat to their rooms. No final decision was rendered on the issue and no arrests were made.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Colorado Politburo Pay no Parking Penalties

Traffic court for 
DENVER | by Erica Bazoombas - Members of the Colorado Legislature, now known as the Central Committee, are issued on "election" a special license plate that permits virtual immunity from parking and speeding tickets. The issue was brought to light by a small group of citizens who gathered to protest the policy and were summarily executed.

Colorado Commissar Vladimir Pukeski told SPN "the people's government is too busy taxing marijuana and banning guns to be bothered with trivial traffic regulations. Those are for the common people."

Monday, July 29, 2013

Quinnipiac Poll: Boston Cream Leads Glazed 58-42

HAMDEN, Ct. | by Erica Bazoombas - Polling data from Quinnipiac University has influenced political campaigns for years. But SPN has learned that this obscure school in southwestern Connecticut counts more than voters as they produce more polls than a wanton woman in Warsaw on welfare.

Quinnipiac Chancellor Dr. Timothy Tally described the academic program at the school as "very focused" and described a typical day in the life of a student: "Every day, we roam all over New England asking people their opinions on everything from politics to pickles. We just completed a comprehensive survey on donuts that will have far-reaching societal effects." He added, "I gained ten pounds!" 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Tiger Signs New Mega $ Endorsement Deal

Enrique Ereccion
MIAMI | by Robert Feeley - With his eminence as golf's number one player long gone, many advertising industry experts accurately predicted that major corporations would soon discharge Tiger Woods, and the skirt chasing swinger has been losing endorsements like a blind golfer loses balls. His skills have suffered as well as he has dropped like a deuce from golf's top player list.

But there was good news for the libertine lothario of the links this morning when the Puerto Rico-based beverage company Casanova Cola announced that Woods will represent their new line of energy drinks in a deal said to be worth "several hundred dollars."

Casanova Cola drinker
Mike Oxlong
Casanova CEO Enrique Ereccion spoke during a news conference at the Bon Soir Airport Motel saying, "Tiger is the perfect model of a man who drinks Casanova Cola to endow his libido for an evening of lust, rapture and conquest. And perhaps play golf the next day if he can get out of bed."

Ereccion said the new line of drinks will be offered in 2 styles. Boner Bold will be infused with Viagra, caffeine and other ingredients he would not specify, as there was a police officer standing nearby. A sugar-free version, Diet Don Juan is for "pantywaist pansies who play with themselves and live at home with their mommies."