Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Linguists Brawl Over "Obama"

New York, NY | by Robert Feeley- A normally subdued group of language authorities gathering for their annual convention erupted into a riot this morning after discussions regarding the proper plural form of the name Obama became unpleasant.

The Grammarians and Linguists Society meets annually to discuss changes in language as they relate to societal metamorphoses, and had convened at the Grand Hyatt. Spokesman Hugh G. Rection vehemently denied a riot occurred saying, “We prefer the locutions 'melee' or 'donnybrook' if you please.”

The debate began last night with the group halving into factions; The first group favored Obamae as the proper plural form of the president’s surname, e.g. “Oh, Chef, the Obamae will all have lobster for dinner.” The second group favored Obama, with no s to be the standard, e.g. “Mildred, look at all the Obama eating lobster.” It was previously agreed by consensus that Obamas with just an s was too commonplace for a man generally accepted as divine. Deliberations raged on into the early morning.

Tensions crested when Harvard College of Linguistics and Bartending Professor Wilhelm Wisenheimer delivered a dissertation suggesting that the word Obama is actually the plural form of 'Obamum' which is a small bone in the foot, and implored that no further action be taken. The professor, best known as impetus for the query What are you, some kind of a fucking wisenheimer? was hissed off the stage by the legion of livid lexicographers and pelted with composition books and pencils. Police quickly subjugated the disturbance, using bullhorns to mispronounce the words arctic and prescription, which compelled the revolting mob's retreat to their rooms. No final decision was rendered on the issue and no arrests were made.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Homeland Insecurity Czar: "Start Drinking Heavily"

Prozac, N.J. | by Robert Feeley | A recession-mired economy, the prospect of higher prices, and growing job insecurity have shaken American confidence in the future according to a Quinnipiac poll released yesterday. Americans are feeling less secure in their jobs and more worried about the country's direction in the midst of a 5 year-old recession and signs of widespread economic distress in nearly every sector.  

Responding to these fears, President Obama today named Alfred E. Neuman as Czar of the newly created Department of Homeland Insecurity. Obama spoke to reporters and other neurotics this morning saying, “I think Al’s motto ‘What, me worry?’ will go a long way to ease tensions during these difficult times.” His remarks came during the dedication of a new Suicide Prevention Center and Gun Range in Prozac, New Jersey. Obama added, “Folks are scared as hell and so am I, quite frankly. Everyone should just chill, God damn it!” He then stepped outside for a shot of vodka and a cigarette. 

Neuman made a rare public appearance with Obama and calmly told reporters, “My house is on fire as we speak, my son is dating Miley Cyrus, and I think I just pooped in my pants. Do I worried?” He then explained that his first order of business will be an ad campaign aimed at distraught American workers.

Posters featuring Neuman will be distributed to unemployment offices across the country with the caption: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Asked if he thought the campaign would boost morale Neuman replied, “Well, I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. Who the hell cares. WTF.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Holder Orders Non-Lethal Ammo for Police

Washington, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Responding to recent police shootings, Attorney General Eric Holder today ordered that law-enforcement personnel must carry only non-lethal bullets, effective immediately. Criminals and terrorists will continue to use deadly ammunition "to give them a fighting chance," said the nations leading bottom-feeder.

The new bullets are manufactured by Beatnik Ballistics LLC in El Segundo, California and are made of a soy and wheat germ mixture. "These bullets don't penetrate the flesh, but instead they gently tickle the targeted person, so he or she feels better" said Beatnik spokesperson Stanley Stoner. The company is also developing a riot-control grenade that emits a pleasant patchouli aroma instead of tear gas.

"The police just oppress minorities and the poor by senselessly shooting them," said Holder at a press conference. He then dashed from the dais to chase an ambulance carrying a slip-and-fall victim.

Monday, August 18, 2014

White House Defends Obama's Golf

Spokesman Says Many Presidents Played Golf in Times of Trouble

Clinton's Golf Instructor
WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Conservative pundits have blasted President Obama for playing golf during the current spate of scandals and crises, but White House spokesman Josh Earnest says the practice is commonplace and this morning cited examples of previous presidents who used golf as stress-relieving therapy.

"President George W. Bush, in the days following 9/11 played Frisbee golf almost every day," said Earnest. "The problem was that he couldn't figure out how to get the Frisbee into the hole, and eventually he gave up."

Earnest also explained that during the dark days of his impeachment hearings, former President Bill Clinton would go out on the links to rid his mind of anxiety and tribulations. "President Clinton played golf at night, so as to not attract crowds and he even hired a private teacher," said Earnest. "That man was totally committed to perfecting his stroke."

Monday, July 14, 2014

Obama Launches "Cash for Crappers"

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Despite several studies concluding that "Cash for Clunkers" was a giant stinking turd for the U.S. economy, the Obama administration today rolled out it's new "Cash for Crappers" initiative, which will provide government cash to citizens who turn in their old toilets and purchase a  more efficient bidet fixture. Government environmentalists say the plan will cut consumer's use of paper by 78%, save billions of trees, and create trillions of green jobs. 

The Obama administration's efforts to induce Americans to wipe poo with their hands was failing miserably said White House spokesman Josh Ernest. "We eliminated the TP here in the White House, but no one would shake the president's hand, so we installed the bidets," said Ernest.

Bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. Users who are unfamiliar with them often confuse a bidet with a urinal, toilet, or even a drinking fountain. "That is a very bad idea," warned President Obama. "It tastes terrible."

Consumers can begin turning in their old crappers to their local Democrat Party headquarters immediately, and should receive a cash voucher from the government "in a few months."

Fox News Reporter Erica Bazoombas Joins SPN Headlines

BEAVER FALLS, Florida |  by Robert Feeley - Veteran TV news reporter and anchor Erica Bazoombas has left Fox News Channel and joined the Florida based news group SPN Headlines. Xavier Stuart "Stu" Pidass, the reclusive billionaire and founder of SPN parent company StuPidassNewsCorp made the surprising announcement at the Fabulously Fetid Florida Resort Motel and Liquor Emporium in Beaver Falls, peering out from behind the door of room 217.

I've been trying to get my hands on Miss Bazoombas for years", said Pidass. "Her talents are absolutely humongous, as even a blind man can see. Or feel for that matter" he added. Bazoombas appeared briefly at the press conference, screaming, "for the love of God, someone call 911!"

Industry insiders believe Erica's style will blend well with SPN, whose precept "perverse and oblique" is patently diametric to the Fox News "fair and balanced" bullshit.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Fielding Mellish is Obama's New Immigration Czar

SAN ANTONIO, Tx.| by Robert Feeley - In a move seen as purely pandering to liberals, President Obama this morning named the former El Presidente of San Marcos to be his new Immigration Czar. Fielding Mellish was immediately confirmed by the Senate despite concerns over his criminal record, which includes a conviction for shoplifting a pornographic book written in Braille. Mellish testified, "I rubbed the dirty parts."

Obama told reporters, "Mr. Mellish is parochial, pompous and puerile, all qualities the people expect from my administration." He then left for a round of golf.

Mellish said his first order of business will be to require all current U.S. citizens to wear their underwear on the outside, so they can be identified and rounded up for random harassment. Undocumented persons will be given a pink Cadillac, $10,000 cash and a gun.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Obama Launches DUH - Department of Ubiquitous Hope

WASHINGTON D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Cataclysmic calamities like ObamaCare and a poor economy are clogging news reports and causing many Americans to become confused, crestfallen, even catatonic.

Responding to these critical concerns, President Obama announced that a new federal agency, the Department of Ubiquitous Hope (DUH) will offer support to people who need assurance that the country isn't careening into the crapper.

The president spoke this morning to a group of liberal media elitists who gathered to
grovel at his feet and said, "My administration will respond to the hopeless by saying what we always say: DUH!"

Obama introduced his wife Michelle who will head up DUH as well as another new federal agency to be known as the United People's Department of Change (UPDOC). "For the first time in my adult life, I know what's up doc," said the first lady as the group of boot-licking adulators swooned in ecstasy. The Trotskyist twosome then helicoptered to the Politburo Club for lunch.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Obama Launches "Mortgages for Morons"

"I love Obama!"
Prozac, N.J. | by Erica Bazoombas - President Obama spoke to about 20,000 depressed people this morning who are about to lose their homes to foreclosure. "I promise, you will not lose your homes" Obama assured the disheartened audience. "Unless you are late with your payment, then you're out on your ass," he added.

Hoping to win over America's growing population of mentally-challenged voters, Obama unveiled his "Mortgages for Morons" program, and in 24 hours the program induced 5000 stupid people to purchase oceanfront homes in Arizona. "These idiots can't even fill out out a loan application, so I don't know what good it will do," said Obama. "But it makes us look good. WTF."

Friday, November 15, 2013

ObamaCare: Doctors Will "Tweet" Patients

Dr. Ben Dover
WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - As details of President Obama's health care plan emerge, there is one major change that will influence the way doctors and their patients interact. Instead of traditional office visits, the plan calls for physicians to "Tweet" people when they are ill.   

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Ben Dover explained the process at a press conference this morning and outlined a typical doctor-patient "Twitter visit" in the near future. Patient: "Doctor Blotz! I have blood coming out of my eyes, my legs are paralyzed, and my fever is 120. Please help me!" Doctor Blotz: "You ingrate, I am trying to play golf! I'll have my nurse Tweet Walgreen's with a prescription for medical marijuana." Patient: "Awesome, dude! Thank goodness for ObamaCare." Dr. Blotz: "Fore!"

"Now, wasn't that simple?" asked Dover, the supreme sawbones for Obama's new socialist state. "With any luck the majority of Americans will be so totally baked they will forget about their trivial illnesses and get in line with the President's agenda."