Emphasizing the gravity of the situation, Transportation Secretary Ray "Crash" Lahood spoke to reporters dressed appropriately in a well-tailored Christian Dior tuxedo, and said he would not discuss specific cuts as that "might scare the shit out of people." The inspections will be "interminable, superficial, and inordinate, keeping with what Americans expect from their government," promised LaHood.
Many fear that budget cuts will allow airlines to cut back on critical maintenance procedures such as failing to change the oil or wiper blades, not rotating the tires, and forgetting to bolt engines to the wings. “These are minor issues,” said Deke Hopkins, chief of operations for Whammo Airlines, a new discount carrier serving the busy corn corridor between Beaver City, Nebraska and Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
Hopkins went on to explain Whammo’s use of baboons as certified aviation mechanics for maintenance on their fleet, “These guys work their little red butts off for us and they're cheap as hell....no union for baboons! They can really turn a wrench, and they don’t need immigration papers, just their rabies shots!”
LaHood also said the FAA is seriously considering the proposal by some airlines to place fat passengers in the cargo compartment.