New Nut Groups Replacing ACORN

GREENWICH, Ct. | by Robert Feeley - Now that the controversial group ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) has faded into the sunset, new community action agencies are sprouting up all over the country hoping to cash in on fresh cash being printed by President Obama. And it seems many of them are emulating ACORN's use of a nuciferous acronym.

In Miami, the group ALMOND (Alliance of Latino Men Organized for Narcissistic Diversions) held a news conference, promising to help impoverished south Floridians with millions in government money they now hope to receive. Spokesman Emilio Testiculos Gigante said Almond has contracted with Bacardi Rum and Latina Escorts LLC to purchase goods and services for the poor.

Senator Richard “Dick” Durbin of Illinois pledged his support today for another new group, CASHEW (Chicago Association Supporting Hate for Everyone White) and denied charges the group supports hate or is racist. Durbin, traveling to Hawaii aboard a congressional jet said, "We just want to help the poor."

Kensington Smythe IV, president of Greenwich, Connecticut based PECAN (Persons Eschewing Contact with Anyone Nettlesome) refused to answer questions from the media saying, “Begone, your queries annoy me, knave!” The group’s charter states their goal is to provide financial aid to millionaires who are being hit by the recession, forcing some to cut back on household staff and vacations abroad.

And in California, a pro-marijuana group calling themselves PISTACHIO convened their first meeting and said their goal will be to use tax money to produce low-cost pipes and bongs for disadvantaged farmers. Leader Herb Budski promised he will come up with a reverse acronym for PISTACHIO as soon as his head clears and someone explains what a "reverse acronym" is to him.