WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Despite several studies concluding that "Cash for Clunkers" was a giant stinking turd for the U.S. economy, the Obama administration today rolled out it's new "Cash for Crappers" initiative, which will provide government cash to citizens who turn in their old toilets and purchase a more efficient bidet/toilet fixture. Government environmentalists say the plan will cut consumer's use of paper by 78%, save billions of trees, and create trillions of green jobs.
The Obama administration's efforts to induce Americans to wipe poo with their hands was failing miserably said White House spokesman Jay "Stinky Fingers" Carney. "We eliminated the TP here in the White House, but no one would shake the president's hand, so we installed the bidets," said Carney.
Bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. Users who are unfamiliar with them often confuse a bidet with a urinal, toilet, or even a drinking fountain. "That is a very bad idea," warned President Obama. "It tastes terrible."
Consumers can begin turning in their old crappers to their local Democrat Party headquarters immediately, and should receive a cash voucher from the government "in a few months." Until then, Obama suggested, "it might be a good time for folks to get back to nature."