Weiner Completes Rehab, Will Run for Mayor

Anderson Cooper: 
"Girls are icky."

(New York) - by Robert Feeley - Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner has declared he will run for mayor of New York City this November. Weiner says he is a changed man after undergoing a controversial libido-lessening treatment.

Weiner completed intense sex-aversion therapy at the Flaccid Fellowship, according to his wife, Huma Abedin. The program is run by former roué Pee Wee Herman who spoke with SPN on the condition we would pay him $10.

Herman: "Girls are icky."

Herman described the course administered to Weiner: "Brother Tony successfully endured our standard regimen of saltpeter, alcohol and cigarettes, as well as forced viewing of the nude images of Rosie O'Donnell and Hillary Clinton," said Herman. Asked how Weiner responded to treatment, Pee Wee said, "there were times the poor bastard cried like a baby and begged for mercy." Mr. Herman also said he recalls that the lamentable lech once spent a whole weekend dry humping a fire extinguisher.

The controversial cult uses electro-shock therapy to ingrain the dangers of female cooties into the subconscious minds of their convalescents. Limp leader Pee Wee said, "The next time Mr. Weiner ponders sending a lewd photo on the internet, he will immediately suffer painful groin spasms and crumple to the floor, his penis resembling a boiled prune." He added, "Trust me, it's a better way of life."