Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Soccer Brawl Prompts New Rules

Gerd Gasheimer
(Cairo, Egypt) - by Robert Feeley - A squabble and subsequent stampede during a soccer match last night compelled the Soccer Commission on Riots and Melees (SCRAM) to meet and enact rule revisions intended to protect fans and players. The wild donnybrook killed 2,347 and wounded 2.

The riot occurred during a "friendly" match between Egypt and Poland, leading organizers to ponder what might happen in a "I really hate your fucking country" match. SCRAM president Gerd Gasheimer spoke at a news conference saying that a limit of 3 rocks, clubs and Molotov cocktails will be permitted (per fan) to carry into soccer stadiums from now on. Referees will continue to carry machine guns.
"I know the fans look forward to an abundance of beat downs, blood and booze, but we want to keep the body count to a minimum," said Gerd.

Gasheimer said metal detectors will be installed to prevent an incident similar to last year when a group of German fans smuggled a Tiger tank into a match. The Germans blew up the team from Honduras, prompting a controversial yellow card issuance to Klub Deutschland.

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