Republican Religions Raise a Ruckus

Jesus Christ! Is that
a bong on your head?

Washington, D.C. - by Erica Bazoombas - A recent survey of Republican candidates for president revealed that the two Mormon candidates, Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman believe the prophet Zachary Smith traveled to Earth from the planet Shish Kabob in 1969 and smoked pot with Jesus Christ at Woodstock. They also believe that Jesus is a robot. This, and other revelations about other the other candidates are leaving voters dazed, distracted and dumbfounded.

Newt Gingrich lists his religion as Roman Catholic, but SPN  learned that the philandering cad recently endured surgical castration and entered the Sacred Order of Reformed Eunuchs (SORE). Newt hopes the move will deflect attention from his three marriages and diverse dalliances with women. “I haven’t sat down in a month,” Gingrich said. "I admit I do miss the old boys, but I save money on porn."

"I have been purified"

    

Michele Bachmann’s ties to the Salem Evangelical Church, which teaches that Pope Benedict XVI is the Anti-Christ has riled up Catholic voters, and many of them are praying to Saint Sigmund, the Patron Saint of Lunatics, beseeching that she be cast into hell. 

Withdrawn candidate Sarah Palin said she was once non-denominational, but quit after two years.