Friday, November 18, 2011

Violence Escalates: One Percenters Massacred on Wall Street

A One Percenter is
overcome by a Whole Milker

A gruesome scene sullied Wall Street this afternoon when a simple misunderstanding boiled over into a bloody brawl, leaving dozens of visitors dead or dying in the street. A group of Polish dairy farmers had traveled to the Big Apple, apparently aroused by reports of rioters denigrating their vocation. The pasteurizing plebes wore T-shirts saying “Drink 1% - It Won't Kill You as Fast as Whole Milk.”

The confused crew was confronted by a hoard of rowdy occupiers who had been drinking White Russians all day, and soon insults escalated to an all-out donnybrook. Police, busy breaking up a separate Occupy Wall Street riot down the block rushed to quell the brouhaha but the moo-juice melee had already reached a murderous momentum.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg issued a statement saying the city will enact an ordinance banning all but skim milk, except for Muslims who will be permitted to suck the tits of goats and camels in public cafes per their religious tenets.

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