SPN Headlines

Obama Warns Kittens and Puppies Will Starve Without Budget Accord

2012-02-12T04:04:00.000-05:00

(WASHINGTON)- by Robert Feeley

<<WARNING-Disturbing Video

President Barack Obama escalated his portent about severe consequences if Congress fails to act on the current budget crisis, saying millions of puppies and kittens will perish because of forced cuts to federal pet food programs. Obama spoke to reporters at a press conference this morning and narrated a video showing a kitten in the throes of death due to starvation, saying "It's the Republicans who are responsible for this horrible situation! Now, let's get to work to prevent a frightful feline famine and catastrophic canine carnage before the right wingers kill all your pets!" The President then quickly departed for lunch and a round of golf at the Politburo Golf Club.

Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) reacted to the president's predictions, saying his party would not allow innocent pets to suffer a slow and painful end. He spoke to SPN Headlines at the Virginia Gun and Tennis Club in Alexandria, saying "I assure you, kittens and puppies in my district will not endure such a dreadful demise." He added, "As a hunter, I will see to it that they are dispatched humanely with a clean shot to the head." Boehner then started to weep uncontrollably, and hurried to his limousine to join the President for golf.

Soccer Brawl Prompts New Rules

2012-02-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

Molotov cocktails will
be limited to 3 per fan.

(Cairo, Egypt) - by Robert Feeley - A squabble and subsequent stampede during a soccer match last night compelled the Soccer Commission on Riots and Melees (SCRAM) to meet and enact rule revisions intended to protect fans and players. The wild donnybrook killed 2,347 and wounded 2.

Gerd Gasheimer

The riot occurred during a "friendly" match between Egypt and Poland, leading organizers to wonder what may happen during a "I really hate your fucking country" match. SCRAM president Gerd Gasheimer spoke at a news conference saying that a limit of 3 rocks, clubs and Molotov cocktails will be permitted (per fan) to carry into soccer stadiums from now on. Referees will continue to carry machine guns.

"I know the fans look forward to an abundance of beat downs, blood and booze, but we want to keep the body count to a minimum," said Gerd.

German fans smuggled
this tank into a match

Gasheimer said metal detectors will be employed, hoping to prevent an incident similar to last year when a group of German fans smuggled a Tiger tank into a match. The Germans blew up the team from Honduras, prompting a controversial yellow card issuance to Klub Deutschland.

Violent Riot Rocks Restaurant Over "Buffet" Tax

2012-01-31T03:33:00.000-05:00

Police try to subdue elderly
rioters today in Florida

The Villages, Florida - by Erica Bazoombas - Mayhem was on the menu at a central Florida Golden Corral restaurant this afternoon when elderly eaters got wind of President Obama's planned Warren Buffett Tax Plan. Confused senior citizens misunderstood it to be a "buffet" tax and went berserk, throwing food on the floor, setting fire to the curtains and assaulting police officers who responded to the reports of a mob-ruled melee.

Violence spilled out into the streets as police responded with dogs and tear gas. Several geriatric hooligans suffered hernias when they attempted to overturn a police car, and authorities reported many others were arrested for trying to steal utensils and packets of Sweet-n-Low during the chaos.

Witness: Obama was Conceived in Waikiki Nightclub

2012-01-29T09:15:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON | by Robert Feeley - While most of the hubbub over President Obama's birth certificate has subsided, some Christian scholars are insisting that commanders-in-chief must prove they were not only born here, but were conceived within American borders.

That concern regarding our current president has apparently been resolved, as a witness came forward this week to say he witnessed Obama's inebriated parents "do the nasty" one night in November, 1960 in a Waikiki nightclub as Don Ho sang Tiny Bubbles. Retired bartender Clyde Cumstane testified before the Senate Committee on Inane Conspiracy Theories that this union resulted in our 44th president. Cumstane also told senators that he once served a pina colada to Saint Matthew. The testimony convinced evangelical scholar Pastor Billy Bob Bodine who told SPN Headlines, "personally I think a radish would do a better job as president, but if Obama's seed was planted on U.S. soil then I guess he can keep the job."

While 2008 candidate Hillary Clinton’s biography lists her birthplace as Chicago in 1947, Bodine notes the eerie coincidence involving the crash of an alien spacecraft at Area 51 the same year, and says it supports his theory that Clinton is a direct descendant of evil zombies from outer space.

There was also controversy about Senator John McCain’s birth in the Panama Canal Zone in 1936, but his office released a statement clearing up the matter which said, "John's locum conceptionis should be recorded as the submarine base at New London, Connecticut, because while stationed there the senator's father fired the torpedo necessary to qualify him for the nations highest office."

Chronic candidate Ralph Nader was conceived in Winsted, Connecticut, the result of a defective condom. He later won a multi-million dollar judgment against the prophylactic manufacturer in one of the most ironic product liability cases in U.S. history.

New Nut Groups Replacing ACORN

2012-01-19T07:22:00.000-05:00

GREENWICH, Ct. | by Erica Bazoombas - As the controversial group ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) slowly fades into the sunset, new groups are sprouting up all over the country hoping to cash in on unspent federal stimulus dollars. And it seems most of them are emulating ACORN's use of a nuciferous acronym.

In Miami, the group ALMOND (Alliance of Latino Men Organized for Narcissistic Diversions) held a news conference, promising to help impoverished south Floridians with millions in government money they now hope to receive. Spokesman Emilio Testiculos Gigante said Almond has contracted with Bacardi Rum and Latina Escorts LLC to purchase goods and services for the poor.

Senator Richard “Dick” Durbin of Illinois pledged his support today for another new group, CASHEW (Chicago Association Supporting Hate for Everyone White) and denied charges the group supports hate or is racist. Durbin, traveling to Hawaii aboard a congressional jet said, "We just want to help the poor."

Kensington Hollandaise Smythe, the president of Greenwich, Connecticut based PECAN (Persons Eschewing Contact with Anyone Nettlesome) refused to answer questions from the media saying, “Begone, your queries annoy me, knave!” The group’s charter states their primary goal will be to give financial assistance to millionaires who are being hit by the recession, many of whom were forced to cut back on household staff and vacations abroad.

And in California, a pro-marijuana group calling themselves PISTACHIO convened their first meeting and said their goal will be to use tax money to produce low-cost pipes and bongs for disadvantaged farmers. Leader Herb Budski promised he will come up with a reverse acronym for PISTACHIO as soon as his head clears and someone explains what a "reverse acronym" is to him.

Obama Launches DUH - Department of Ubiquitous Hope

2012-01-17T04:57:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON | by Erica Bazoombas - Cataclysmic calamities, both natural and man-made, are clogging news reports and causing many Americans to become confused, crestfallen, even catatonic.

Responding to these critical concerns, President Obama announced that a new federal agency, the Department of Ubiquitous Hope (DUH) will offer support to people who need assurance that the country isn't careening into the crapper.

The president spoke this morning to a group of liberal media elitists who gathered to grovel at his feet and said, "My administration will respond to the hopeless by saying what we always say: DUH!"

Obama then introduced his wife Michelle who will head up DUH as well as another new federal agency to be known as the United People's Department of Change (UPDOC). "For the first time in my adult life, I know what's up doc," said the first lady as the group of boot-licking adulators swooned in ecstasy. The Trotskyist twosome then departed to the Politburo Country Club for lunch and a round of golf.

TSA Hires Tiger for Special Searches

2012-01-16T03:00:00.000-05:00

Security Alert: Passengers Must Now Wear Thong Underwear
(Washington, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - The Obama administration today announced strict new regulations regarding passenger clothing and invasive body searches for passengers boarding commercial flights in the United States. The TSA calls it the Physical Examination of Random Voyagers, or PERV program.

The modus operandi of Christmas Day airplane bomber Abdul Whacko al Kaboom, explosives in his underpants, prompted Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to order that all passengers must wear thong underwear and be subject to random panty inspections effective immediately.

Security Inspection

The announcement brought a flood of employment applications for the position of Special PERV Inspector. Disgraced golfer Tiger Woods was first in line among hundreds of other high-spirited horndogs this morning at TSA headquarters and was hired for duty at Orlando International Airport. Mr. Woods spoke with SPN and said, "I'm looking forward to this new challenge. They want the lines to move fast at the airport and nobody gets a skirt up and pants down faster than me!"

Obama's New Health Care Czar is Dead

2012-01-13T02:00:00.000-05:00

Take two aspirin and
call me in the morning.
Wait, don't call. I'm dead.

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - Amid all the chaos and confusion most Americans are experiencing regarding the future of their healthcare, the Obama administration today appointed Marcus Welby, M.D. as Czar of ObamaCare. White House spokesman Jay Carney made the startling announcement in the White House briefing room, and unveiled several posters featuring the beloved family physician.

This looks like a positive
test result. Maybe negative.
WTF, it's ObamaCare!

"Americans are basically stupid," said Carney. "They need Dr. Welby to explain that ObamaCare is good for them, so they can go back to watching Jersey Shore, listening to rap music and taking drugs. We know what's best for them, so just shut the hell up. And yes, that means you," he said to SPN reporter Erica Bazoombas.

When Bazoombas questioned Carney about the fact that Marcus Welby portrayer Robert Young died in 1998, she was quickly wrestled to the ground by Secret Service agents and led away.

Casey Opens "Stayin' Alive" Disco Daycare

2012-01-07T03:00:00.000-05:00

Casey, can I have more Alpo?

ORLANDO - by Erica Bazoombas - Casey Anthony has teamed up with fellow scoundrel and cur Michael Vick to cash in on their ill repute and open a new business in Miami. The Pit Bull Pre-School and Profligate Playland, LLC has leased space on trendy South Beach to offer 24-hour service to hard-partying parents who want to get down and boogie in a state-of-the-art adult club and discotheque without having to attend to their kids or pets.

Casey and new boyfriend
dance at "Stayin Alive"

The contemptible couple retained Miami attorney Myron Mung, who told SPN the club has a '70s based disco theme, bringing in top acts like the Bee Gees and Sister Sledge. Mung mentioned, "It's a beautiful thing about the world today, that we can forgive and forget people's past indiscretions so they can go from being rotten scumbags to being wealthy scumbags. What a country!"

The name of the new disco/daycare, "Stayin' Alive" is appropriate, says Mung. "Trust me, you get within a mile of these two lunatics, and you better worry about staying alive!"

Tiger Signs New Mega $ Endorsement Deal

2012-01-05T02:25:00.000-05:00

Ereccion at Press Conference

MIAMI | by Bob Feeley - With his eminence as golf's number one player long gone, many advertising industry experts accurately predicted that major corporations would soon discharge Tiger Woods, and the skirt chasing swinger has been losing endorsements like a blind golfer loses balls. His skills have suffered as well as he has dropped like a deuce from golf's top player list.

But there was good news for the libertine lothario of the links this morning when the Puerto Rico-based beverage company Casanova Cola announced that Woods will represent their new line of energy drinks in a deal said to be worth "several hundred dollars."

Casanova Cola drinker
Mike Oxlong

Casanova CEO Enrique Ereccion spoke during a news conference at the Bon Soir Airport Motel saying, "Tiger is the perfect model of a man who drinks Casanova Cola to endow his libido for an evening of lust, rapture and conquest. And perhaps play golf the next day if he can get out of bed."

Ereccion said the new line of drinks will be offered in 2 styles. Boner Bold will be infused with Viagra, caffeine and other ingredients he would not specify, as there was a police officer standing nearby. A sugar-free version, Diet Don Juan is for "pantywaist pansies who play with themselves and live at home with their mommies."

Obama Appoints Another Czar

2012-01-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

Prozac, Mich. | by Robert Feeley | A recession-mired economy, the prospect of higher prices, and growing job insecurity have shaken American confidence in the future according to a Quinnipiac poll released yesterday. Americans are feeling less secure in their jobs and more worried about the country's direction in the midst of a 3 year-old recession and signs of widespread economic distress in nearly every sector.

Job Outlook

Responding to these fears, President Obama today named Alfred E. Neuman as Czar of the newly created Department of Homeland Insecurity. Obama spoke to a group of reporters and other neurotics this morning saying, “I think Al’s motto ‘What, me worry?’ will go a long way to ease tensions during these difficult times.” His remarks came during the dedication of a new Suicide Prevention Center and Gun Range in the Detroit suburb of Prozac. Obama added, “Folks are scared as hell and so am I, quite frankly. Everyone should just chill, God damn it!” He then excused himself to step outside for a shot of vodka and a cigarette.

"My advice to you is to
start drinking heavily"

Neuman made a rare public appearance with Obama and calmly told reporters, “My house is on fire as we speak, my daughter is dating John Edwards, and I think I just pooped in my pants. Am I worried? Fuck no!” He then explained that his first order of business will be an ad campaign aimed at distraught American workers.

Posters featuring John "Bluto" Blutarsky will be distributed to unemployment offices across the country with the caption: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Asked if he thought the campaign would boost morale Neuman replied, “Well, I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. Who the hell cares. WTF.”

Jeb Bush Declares for 2012

2012-01-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

Bush

Washington, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - Former Florida governor Jeb Bush plunged the 2012 race for President into chaos last night by announcing he will seek the Republican party nomination. He made the shocking declaration in enemy territory: the msnbc TV show of Leninist lesbian Rachel Maddow.

Bazoombas

Bush further rocked the political scene when he named his running mate, a decision normally not finalized until much later in the process. His choice of SPN Headlines political analyst Erica Bazoombas is likely a move to lure more women to the GOP, as well as attract perverts. Bazoombas is adored the world over for her gigantic integrity and her warm, enormous heart. Bush declared, "I chose Erica for three very critical reasons, it's just that I can only think of two at this moment. I'll have to get back to you."

Maddow was visibly stunned when Bush introduced Ms. Bazoombas, who was assisted onto the set by two stagehands. "Holy Mary mother of God!" gasped Maddow. She added, "Bush and Bazoombas, now that's a ticket I have no choice but to support."

Obama Remark on Gays Evokes Outrage

2012-01-01T03:00:00.000-05:00

President Obama

(Washington, D.C.) by Erica Bazoombas - President Barack Obama has faced growing criticism from gay rights groups for not doing more to legalize gay marriage. Yesterday during a short session with reporters, he attempted to mend the fence saying, "I desperately want to conciliate with gays."

Reverend Doodah

That remark brought swift and angry responses from conservative leaders, including Rev. Billy Ray Doodah of the State Road 7 Church of Christ and Liquor Store in Boner Beach, Florida. "What kind of a pervert is this guy?" asked Doodah. "This is a married man who wants to go around conciliating with other men! I haven't even done that with my wife, for Christ's sake," he said during the 9 a.m. service this morning. Doodah added, "If I aint mistaken, conciliation is in direct violation of the 7th, 10th, and 14th commandments. Plus, it's disgusting!"

Related Story: Scientist Says Homosexuality is a Bad Habit, Like Nosepicking.

Obama: Combined Holiday Will Be "Chranzukkuhboom"

2011-12-28T03:00:00.000-05:00

Merry Chranzukkuhboom!

Honolulu, Hawaii | by Erica Bazoombas - President Obama announced today that he is sick of all the bickering over Christmas carols, Hanukkah menorahs and Muslim land mines and that all current winter holidays will be blended into one common celebration called Chranzukkuhboom. The name is derived from Christmas (CHR) - Kwanzaa (ANZ) - Hanukkah (UKKUH) and (BOOM) to honor the holy Muslim tradition of blowing things up.

Obama signed an executive order directing the new celebration to be commemorated every year on February 31st between noon and 1 pm. All money traditionally spent on gifts, parties and decorations will be confiscated by the government to pay for green energy programs including the new underwater solar windmill initiative.

Quinnipiac Poll: Boston Cream Leads Glazed 58-42

2011-12-22T07:02:00.000-05:00

Boston Cream

HAMDEN, Ct. | by Erica Bazoombas - Polling data from Quinnipiac University has influenced political campaigns for years. But SPN has learned that this obscure school in southwestern Connecticut counts more than voters as they produce more polls than a wanton woman in Warsaw on welfare.

Quinnipiac Chancellor Dr. Timothy Tally described the academic program at the school as "very focused" and described a typical day in the life of a student: "Every day, we roam all over New England asking people their opinions on everything from politics to pickles. We just completed a comprehensive survey on donuts that will have far-reaching societal effects." He added, "I gained ten pounds.

Gherkin...or Kosher Dill?

The athletic programs at Quinnipiac have been under financial pressure due to low attendance by fans. Athletic Director Quentin Query said "People hate to come to our games because they are constantly being pestered by pollsters asking 'Who do you think will win the game? Should pot be legalized? Is Lady Gaga human? Would you like to buy some pot?' It just makes people crazy!"

It's Mac n Cheese For the Hoi Polloi as Obama, Boehner Golf for Lobster

2011-12-22T06:45:00.000-05:00

Egad, Lovey! Look what these people eat!

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - The Joe Biden middle-class task force announced the results of a $4 billion intensive study this morning. Their conclusion: If you're middle class, then it sucks to be you!

Task force co-chairs Thurston Howell III and wife Lovey spoke with SPN Headlines, saying they were quite appalled at the current state of the common class. Mr. Howell said, "Gadzooks man, we discovered this substance called macaroni and cheese that the bourgeoisie actually eat! I must say that the state of the proletariat is more ghastly than we ever imagined. Thank God we're rich!"

Middle class gourmet

Senator John Kerry (D-Ma.) was originally a task force member but Howell (Harvard '52) gave him the boot, saying, "I simply will not work with a Yale man!"

President Obama took a moment from his golf game this morning to speak with SPN Headlines saying, "This report concerns me deeply and I plan to read it as soon as I finish this round. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lobster dinner bet with John Boehner on this hole. Fore!"

ObamaCare: Doctors Will "Tweet" Patients

2011-12-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

"ObamaCare is good for you.
Now bend over."

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley - As details of President Obama's health care plan emerge, there is one major change that will influence the way doctors and their patients interact. Instead of traditional office visits, the plan calls for physicians to "Tweet" people when they are ill.

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Ben Dover explained the process at a press conference this morning and outlined a typical doctor-patient "Twitter visit" in the near future. Patient: Doctor Blotz! I have blood coming out of my eyes, my legs are paralyzed, and my fever is 120. Please help me! Doctor Blotz: You ingrate! I am trying to play golf! I'll have my nurse Tweet Walgreens with a prescription for medical marijuana. Patient: Awesome, dude! Thank goodness for ObamaCare. Dr. Blotz: Fore!

"Now see how easy that is?" asked Dover, the supreme sawbones for Obama's new socialist state. "With any luck the majority of Americans will be so totally baked they will forget about their trivial illnesses and re-elect President Obama without a thought."

Occupiers Collect Cash, Then Crap on Comrades

2011-12-18T02:30:00.000-05:00

Will and Dara in protest mode....

New York, N.Y. - by Erica Bazoombas - Two protesters in the "Occupy Wall Street" movement cashed their unemployment checks yesterday to buy lottery tickets, then watched one of their tickets match the winning numbers as they flashed on the Times Square jumbo TV screen. Agent provocateur Will Swill and his anarchist old lady Dara Licht were elated to realize they had won $95 million as they laid down their signs and checked into a suite at The Plaza. "I was like, screw this shit," said Swill relaxing in the Champagne Bar. "My feet were killing me."

...and at brunch
this morning.

The metamorphosed malcontents changed theirtune from Poor, Poor Pitiful Me to Easy Money this morning as they met with their financialadviser and attorney over brunch. Swill complained about protestersoutside his window as he tried to sleep last night. "I had to call thepolice twice, for Christ sake," he tweeted. "Why don't they get alife? WTF!"

In a related story, House majority leader Eric Cantor backed off on calling the protesters "mobs" telling SPN Headlines, "I meant to say slobs."

"Occupy the Skyboxes" Begins Today

2011-12-17T12:14:00.000-05:00

That boy sure does walk funny!

Dallas, Tx. | by Erica Bazoombas - With the Occupy Wall Street losing momentum due to cold weather, rotten food and a lack of liquor, anarchists will attempt to re-locate today to the greatest bastions of American wealth and opulence: NFL stadium luxury skyboxes. Chief instigator for the occupy movement, Leon Loafer told reporters that he and his hellions will crash the gates of every NFL stadium and occupy the inner sanctums of snobby sports fans "for as long as it takes...or until the lobster and champagne run out. Then we'll go annoy someone else."

The move promises to set up a nasty confrontation with at least one team owner, the Dallas Cowboy's Jerry Jones. "You come into my stadium without a ticket, and you'll be limping home with a cowboy boot jammed up your ass," Jones told SPN Headlines. To prove he was serious, Jones had 20,000 pairs of Gucci snakeskin cowboy boots delivered to Texas Stadium yesterday afternoon. Many protesters were said to be en route to the big D, hoping to garner at least one of the garish galoshes.

Obama Launches "Mortgages for Morons"

2011-12-17T07:30:00.000-05:00

This happy moron bought an
oceanfront condo in Iowa

LAS VEGAS, Nv. | by Erica Bazoombas - President Obama spoke to about 2,000 people yesterday who live in the heart of one of the hardest hit areas for foreclosure in the country.

"I promise, you will not lose your homes" Obama assured the disheartened audience. "Unless you don't pay your bills on time, then you're out on your ass," he added.

Hoping to dump some of the 10 million foreclosed homes that are sitting vacant, Obama unveiled his "Mortgages for Morons" program Friday, and in 24 hours the program induced 5000 stupid people to purchase oceanfront homes in Iowa. "These idiots can't even find their way to a bank, so we figure not many will apply for the loans," said Obama. "But it makes us look good."

The president also visited the Golden Fleece Casino during his visit to Sin City and played some roulette and Texas Hold 'em. Realizing he had no cash for chips, but feeling fortuitous the commander-in-chief bet a dozen F-22 Raptor fighter jets on the roulette wheel.....and lost. Taking it in stride Obama quipped, "well, we didn't want to fund those things anyway. WTF."

Quinnipiac Poll: Obama Less Annoying than Beiber, Jock Itch

2011-12-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Doc, I don't like
this ObamaCare.

HAMDEN, Ct. | by Robert Feeley - President Obama's approval ratings are the lowest since he took office, but a Quinnipiac University poll released today shows he is not as vexatious as two other persistently perturbing plagues: Justin Bieber and jock itch.

A group of 1,700 male athletes afflicted with tinea cruris (jock itch) were asked how they rated Obama, and 84% said that as bad as he is, their pubic pestilence was worse than the president's preposterous policies which are plunging the American public deeper into profound pathos and pain.

When comparing Obama to effeminate fruitcake Justin Bieber, the same group said they just can't stomach the prancing pansy, and would rather be interned in an Obama gulag than endure watching a Bieber video or concert.

FAA Launches Formal Airline Probe

2011-12-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

This flight was delayed 30 minutes due
to an oil leak.The plane had recently
been repaired by a baboon.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - by Robert Feeley - The Federal Aviation Administration said today it has commenced a "formal" investigation into four major U.S. airlines regarding their maintenance procedures and record keeping.

To emphasize the gravity of the probe, FAA chairman Michael 'Crash' Webster spoke to reporters dressed appropriately in a well-tailored Christian Dior tuxedo, but said he could not name the carriers specifically as that "might scare the shit out of people." The investigation will be "interminable, superficial, and inordinate, keeping with what Americans expect from their government," promised Webster.

Mike "Crash" Webster

Reports from several unknown sources with questionable reliability say that due to rising fuel costs many airlines are cutting corners such as failing to change the oil or wiper blades, not rotating the tires, and forgetting to bolt engines to the wings. “These are minor violations,” said Deke Hopkins, chief of operations for Whammo Airlines, a new discount carrier serving the busy “corn corridor” between Beaver City, Nebraska and Cedar Rapids, Iowa. "What's the big fucking deal?" he asked.

767 Mechanic
Skip Turner

Hopkins went on to explain Whammo’s use of baboons as certified aviation mechanics for maintenance on their fleet, “These guys work their little red butts off for us and they're cheap as hell because there's no union for baboons! They can really turn a wrench, and they don’t need immigration papers, just their rabies shots!”

Webster also said the FAA is seriously considering the proposal by some airlines to place fat passengers in the cargo compartment.

Terrorist Prison Offers Luxury to "Guests"

2011-12-14T05:37:00.000-05:00

Remodeled "guest" cell at
Thomson, Illinois prison.

Chicago, Il. | by Robert Feeley - SPN Headlines has learned that the Thomson, Illinois prison currently being remodeled for Guantanamo detainees will offer luxurious accommodations, gourmet meals and even conjugal visits with hookers brought in from Chicago.

President Obama announced this morning that the words prisoner and detainee will no longer be tolerated to describe the alleged terrorists and that they must be called "guests". That statement angered conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who said "I don't care if you call them quarter-pounders with cheese they are still terrorists, God damn it!" Limbaugh then abruptly ended his show, boarded his private jet and flew to McDonald's for lunch.

Prison warden Al Dente said it will be a challenge meeting the dietary needs of his new guests. "We're trying to get Wolfgang Puck to prepare the cuisine, but he said there is absolutely no way he is going to cook camels and goats." Cells are being decorated with the new Ralph Lauren Desert Flower motif to make the guests feel more at home.

Republican Religions Raise a Ruckus

2011-12-13T03:59:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ! Is that
a bong on your head?

Washington, D.C. - by EricaBazoombas - A recent survey of Republican candidates for president revealed that the two Mormon candidates, Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman believe the prophet Zachary Smith traveled to Earth from the planet Shish Kabob in 1969 and smoked pot with Jesus Christ at Woodstock. They also believe that Jesus is a robot. This, and other revelations about other the other candidates are leaving voters dazed, distracted and dumbfounded.

Newt Gingrich lists hisreligion as Roman Catholic, but SPN learned that the philanderingcad recently endured surgical castration and entered the Sacred Order ofReformed Eunuchs (SORE). Newt hopes the move will deflect attention from histhree marriages and diverse dalliances with women. “I haven’t sat down in amonth,” Gingrich said. "I admit I do miss the old boys, but I save money on porn."

"I have been purified"

Michele Bachmann’sties to the Salem Evangelical Church, which teaches that Pope Benedict XVI isthe Anti-Christ has riled up Catholic voters, and many of them are praying toSaint Sigmund, the Patron Saint of Lunatics, beseeching that she be cast intohell.

Withdrawn candidate Sarah Palin said she was once non-denominational, but quit after two years.

Obama Launches "Cash for Crappers"

2011-12-06T08:20:00.000-05:00

Obama's Crapper

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Erica Bazoombas - Despite several studies concluding that "Cash for Clunkers" was a giant stinking turd for the U.S. economy, the Obama administration today rolled out it's new "Cash for Crappers" initiative, which will provide government cash to citizens who turn in their old toilets and purchase a more efficient bidet/toilet fixture. Government environmentalists say the plan will cut consumer's use of paper by 78%, save billions of trees, and create trillions of green jobs.

The Obama administration's efforts to induce Americans to wipe poo with their hands was failing miserably said White House spokesman Jay "Stinky Fingers" Carney. "We eliminated the TP here in the White House, but no one would shake the president's hand, so we installed the bidets," said Gibbs.

Hugo Chavez: "Hand
sanitizer, por favor!"

Bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. Users who are unfamiliar with them often confuse a bidet with a urinal, toilet, or even a drinking fountain. "That is a very bad idea," warned President Obama. "It tastes terrible."

Consumers can begin turning in their old crappers to their local Democrat Party headquarters immediately, and should receive a cash voucher from the government "in a few months." Until then, Obama suggested, "it might be a good time for folks to get back to nature."

Actor Claims Gay Marriage to Herman Cain

2011-12-03T02:00:00.000-05:00

Sarasota, Fl. | by Erica Bazoombas - Actor Paul Reubens, better known as the quirky and queer character Pee Wee Herman, rocked the political scene today when he announced that he has been legally married to Republican candidate Herman Cain for over 20 years. Reubens spoke to reporters in front of the Blowjob Bijou adult theater, the site of his 1991 arrest for indecent exposure.

Reubens wept as he recalled meeting his "cocoa cupcake" in the theater while watching the premiere of Butt Buddies from Buffalo. "We were so happy" Pee Wee whimpered, supported by his attorney Myron Mung. Mr. Mung produced a blurred photocopy of a marriage license as proof of the cockamamie coalescence. "My client even took on the Herman name," muttered the mendacious mouthpiece.

Cain appeared briefly at the press conference, shouting to Reubens, "You're a dirty liar!" Pee Wee pushed his attorney aside and replied "I know you are......but what am I?"

Biden's 3rd Grade Essay: "My Fucking Summer Vacation"

2011-11-29T07:24:00.000-05:00

SCRANTON, Pa. | by Robert Feeley - Vice President Joe Biden, in an unscripted moment during the signing of the health care bill told President Barack Obama: “This is a big fucking deal,” and recently he called an ice cream store owner a "smart ass."

SPN Headlines has learned that this type of crude language is nothing new for Biden and is in fact the continuation of a pattern of banal, blistering blasphemy which has characterized the life of this poignant, pathetic politico since his early childhood.

Biden's 3rd Grade teacher at Our Lady of Perpetual Trepidation Catholic School in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Sister Winifred Wildebeest told SPN that Biden was "a ribald, rowdy rogue who couldn't recite the Lord's Prayer with dropping the F-bomb." Sister Winifred recalled that she once implored the Archbishop to perform an exorcism on the profane, possessed pupil.

Sister Winifred saved some of Biden's homework and essays, abundant with expletives, thinking they might someday be needed by a police psychologist. She also showed SPN a Valentine's Day card Biden wrote and gave to a little girl in class. The inside of the card reads, "Hey little girl, you're looking nice. But wash your hair, you've got fucking head lice! Ha-Ha-Ha."

Soccer Match Ends in Tie After Teams Lose Ball

2011-11-24T08:32:00.000-05:00

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa | by Robert Feeley - A soccer match finished in a 0-0 tie last night after the only soccer ball brought to the game was lost or stolen. No one noticed that the ball was missing and the teams continued to run around the field for several hours. Finally after the players and fans had reached a sufficient state of drunkenness the referee blew his whistle and everyone went home, seemingly satisfied.

Team Mexico coach
watches action on the field

Team South Africa captain Antoine Asinine told SPN, "scoring goals on the field is not the real objective of this sport. Scoring with hot, horny whores is all we really care about. That and getting completely wasted." He added, "for some reason, these hot nymphomaniacs just love smelly, sweaty soccer players." Asked for his evaluation of the match, Mexican coach Diego Stupido Mucho said, "¿Has visto las tetas a esa chica? Mierda!"

Palin: Obama is a Pussy

2011-11-23T05:15:00.000-05:00

Anchorage, Alaska | by Erica Bazoombas - Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for being soft on criminals this morning in a Facebook posting that also said if she was president, felons would "fear her fiery fury." The garrulous, gung-ho gun nut and gadfly said that the pardon of two turkeys this morning demonstrates that Obama is "just a big pussy." She posted, "I would have gatted those gangsta gobblers, and then gorged on their gizzards.

Palin went on to compare Obama's fowl forbearance to the infamous Willie Horton incident, where a convicted murderer was released and then went on to rob and rape several people. Her post said, "God only knows what kind of poultry pandemonium those parolees are perpetrating on people as we speak....or post...whatever. Obama sucks."

Linguists Brawl Over "Obama"

2011-11-22T04:37:00.000-05:00

BOSTON, Mass. | by Robert Feeley - A normally subdued group of language authorities gathering for their annual convention erupted into a riot this morning after discussions regarding the proper plural form of the name Obama turned violent.

The Grammarians and Linguists Society convene yearly to discuss changes in language as they relate to societal metamorphoses, and met at the Downtown Marriott. Spokesman Hugh G. Rection vehemently denied a riot occurred saying, “We prefer the locutions 'melee' or 'donnybrook' if you please.”

Wisenheimer

The debate began last night with the group halving into factions; The first group favored Obamae as the proper plural form of the president’s surname, e.g. “Oh, Chef, the Obamae will all have lobster for dinner.” The second group favored Obama, with no s to be the standard, e.g. “Mildred, look at all the Obama eating lobster.” It was previously agreed by consensus that Obamas with just an s was too commonplace for a man generally accepted as divine. Deliberations raged on into the early morning.

Tensions crested when Harvard College of Bartending Professor Wilhelm Wisenheimer delivered a dissertation suggesting that the word Obama is actually the plural form of 'Obamum' which is a small bone in the foot, and implored that no further action be taken. The professor, best known as impetus for the query What are you, some kind of a fucking wisenheimer? was hissed off the stage by the legion of livid lexicographers and pelted with composition books and pencils. Police quickly subjugated the disturbance, using bullhorns to mispronounce the words arctic and prescription, which compelled the revolting mob's retreat to their rooms. No final decision was rendered on the issue and no arrests were made.

Violence Escalates: One Percenters Massacred on Wall Street

2011-11-18T18:46:00.001-05:00

A One Percenter is
overcome by a Whole Milker

A gruesome scene sullied Wall Street this afternoon when a simple misunderstanding boiled over into a bloody brawl, leaving dozens of visitors dead or dying in the street. A group of Polish dairy farmers had traveled to the Big Apple, apparently aroused by reports of rioters denigrating their vocation. The pasteurizing plebes wore T-shirts saying “Drink 1% - It Won't Kill You as Fast as Whole Milk.”

The confused crew was confronted by a hoard of rowdy occupiers who had been drinking White Russians all day, and soon insults escalated to an all-out donnybrook. Police, busy breaking up a separate Occupy Wall Street riot down the block rushed to quell the brouhaha but the moo-juice melee had already reached a murderous momentum.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg issued a statement saying the city will enact an ordinance banning all but skim milk, except for Muslims who will be permitted to suck the tits of goats and camels in public cafes per their religious tenets.

Obama says NASA Will Land on the Sun

2011-11-06T04:30:00.000-05:00

New NASA chief
Ali Baba Kaboom

WASHINGTON, D.C. | By Robert Feeley - NASA Administrator Charles Bolden told Al Jazeera in a recent interview that his main goal will be to "reach out to the Muslim world and make them feel good about their contributions to math, science and engineering." President Obama affirmed that ambition this morning when he introduced Ali Baba al Kaboom as his new Czar of NASA at a White House press conference.

The president recited a list of Muslim innovations including the flying carpet, camel pizza, and execution by boiling oil. Obama said that NASA will accomplish his goal of landing a man on the sun no later than 2012 by means of Baba's aggressive management style, which he described as "cut-throat - literally."

When SPN reporter Erica Bazoombas posed a question regarding the hazardous nature of traveling to the sun, Obama explained that they would go at night, thus minimizing the lethally hot temperatures. "What do you think I am, some kind of an idiot?" said Obama, grinning. Miss Bazoombas was then put to death by boiling in oil in the Rose Garden.

Cain Accusers Clamor for Cash

2011-11-03T06:35:00.000-04:00

Cain's accusers line up to tell tales

Beaver Falls, Fl. | By Erica Bazoombas - The first victim was an unnamed woman who was allegedly sexually harassed by Herman Cain 20 years ago while he was President of the National Restaurant Association. A second anonymous victim claimed that while Cain was a sophomore at Atlanta's Archer High School in 1961 he pinched her on the ass and said, "Damn....that's one fine booty," in what is believed to be the first use of the term booty in that context. A third accuser is reportedly ready to appear on msnbc and tell the truth in exchange for a pair of new boobs.

This morning a long line of tattle-tale tarts assembled at SPN Headlines world headquarters in Beaver Falls, Florida after the news network offered $50.00 cash to whoever could concoct the most lurid story about being kissed, groped, or fondled by Herman Cain. SPN chairman Stuart Pidass is personally interviewing each prevaricator and promises to publish a raunchy exposé as soon as he is done, in about a month.

Palin's Rating Guide: Sarah's Scores

2011-10-05T01:30:00.000-04:00

Palin:
This bod is a TEN!

Anchorage | by Erica Bazoombas - After finally revealing that she will not run for the White House in 2012, Sarah Palin has not disclosed what she will do with the fortune she has amassed through various enterprises and today revealed a new vehicle that she hopes will bulldoze even more banknotes into her behemothic bank account.

Alaska's noted nitwit told SPN that Sarah's Scores will compete with J.D. Power, Standard & Poor's and others to offer a numerical rating from one to ten for everything from politicians to pop-tarts. Palin says she got the idea when Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly asked her to rate President Obama, at which time she gave him a four. "Today that silly man couldn't rate a two...on a good day," she said.

Motel moose head rated a nine

"I think America yearns for the perspective of a simple-minded Alaskan grandmother, and Sarah's Scores will replace Zagat, Consumer Reports and the Neilsen ratings," Palin told SPN Headlines. "Someday soon we'll take over for the Richter scale and rate earthquakes. They were off on that Jap thingy by a good two points!"

Palin said she stayed at a Motel 6 in Minnesota recently and scored them a 9 because they had a moose head in the lobby and free pop-tarts. She was, however, very disappointed with a recent lunch experience at a Subway in Florida and blasted them with a zero. Palin elaborated, "The girl behind the counter didn't even know who I was, for Christ's sake. I mean, WTF!"

Christie Says No to Presidency, Yes to Pole Vault

2011-10-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

Christie's mother in 1968

Trenton, N.J. - by Erica Bazoombas - After spending a long weekend pigging out on pizzas and pondering his potential political plans, portly New Jersey Governor Chris Christie met reporters at a local Burger King to pronounce that he will definitely not run for president next year. "I'm not sure if I'd fit through the door of Air Force One," said Christie as he went on to outline his plans for the future.

"Let's face it, I need to lose weight," said the Garden State glutton. "My real dream is to one day be an Olympic pole vaulter, just like my dear mom." Christie had tears in his eyes as he recalled his mother Sondra's struggle to make the U.S. Olympic team and then go on to win the gold medal in the 1968 Mexico City games. "She's my inspiration," he mumbled as he chewed on a Whopper. Mrs. Christie vaulted a record 23 feet, 6 inches but her hard landing prompted many to believe a bomb had gone off. The resulting crater on the track caused several runners competing in the 4X400 relay race to fall in, and a Polish athlete was killed in the calamity.

Christie said he will begin a regimen of diet and exercise "maybe someday soon," and that he hopes to be vaulting right after Thanksgiving dinner.

Cheney's Book: I Was a Torture Victim

2011-08-30T22:08:00.000-04:00

New York, NY - by Erica Bazoombas - Dick Cheney wanted to drop Guantanamo detainees out of airplanes without parachutes according to his new book In My Time which hit bookstores this morning. "Unfortunately, a bunch of pussies in the Pentagon thought it was too extreme," the former VP told SPN Headlines.

The book descries another Cheney plan, nicknamed Operation Senor Surprise. "The idea was to place signs saying "Free Taco Bell Today Only" along the Mexican border and when the illegals would cross over we would jump out of foxholes and blast them!" Cheney wrote that he was devastated when the idea was deemed "a violation of their rights."

"Die, you Frito Bandito!"

Cheney also addressed the issue of torture, saying that he personally experienced torture many times in his life, and doesn't understand all the controversy. The book recounts how Cheney's mother used to wash his mouth out with soap when he would curse as a young boy. "That stuff tastes terrible!" said Cheney. "But I took it like a man!"

Obama to Tour Hurricane Damaged Golf Courses

2011-08-30T01:53:00.000-04:00

Obama: What a putz

Washington, D.C. - by Robert Feeley - President Obama announced this morning that Hurricane Irene had damaged 274 golf courses across the country and declared them Fucked-Up By Atmospheric Ruination (FUBAR) zones. Obama said he would leave immediately on an inspection tour and will personally assess "each and every ravaged fairway, sand trap, green and clubhouse."

Bazoombas:
Wrestled to the ground

Country clubs receiving the FUBAR designation qualify for stimulus funds to purchase new golf carts, remodel pro shops and re-stock bars and restaurants with top-shelf liquor. Obama elaborated on why the list of effected areas includes golf courses in California and Hawaii, saying they received "glancing blows" from the storm.

Related: White House press secretary Jay Carney announced that Michelle Obama will travel to the Caribbean island of Antigua to inspect several luxury resorts, which "may or may not have been damaged" by the hurricane. When SPN reporter Erica Bazoombas mentioned to Carney that Antigua is not actually part of the United States, she was quickly wrestled to the ground by Secret Service agents, and detained for questioning.

Earthquake Ravages the Hamptons

2011-08-23T21:02:00.000-04:00

Devastation
in the Hamptons

East Hampton, NY | By Robert Feeley - Residents are trying to piece their lives back together after an earthquake rattled this charming and usually tranquil hamlet right at the climax of summer vacation season.

Damage reports range from a chipped Wedgwood teacup to several bottles of Chateau Latour Pauillac 1990, which may have been bruised. A top sommelier is reportedly being flown in by helicopter from Manhattan this evening to assess possible damage to the fine Bordeaux wine.

Seasonal resident Biff Beau-Monde reported his wife Marcy was so terrified she grabbed their Bichon Frise, hopped in her Bentley and bolted for Bermuda, vowing never to return. "We might as well go to fucking Malibu if we're going to have earthquakes here, for God's sake," steamed Biff. "I pay taxes to keep this kind of thing from happening. What next, a hurricane? WTF!"

Gays Celebrate Boehner Bill

2011-07-29T21:45:00.012-04:00

Embarrassing moment:
Celebrating the wrong bill

New York City - by Erica Bazoombas - Millions of gleeful gays flooded into Times Square today when word spread that the U.S. House of Representatives had finally passed a debt ceiling law. "This is the happiest day of my life!" shrieked Mike Oxlong, president of GWACAMOLE (Gays Who Always Celebrate And March Over Literally Everything). "We have gays in the military, gay marriage, and now this," he added. "Yipee!"

Merriment and joy reigned as the bacchanalia gained momentum through the afternoon, until the jumbo-tron news ticker flashed that it was the "Boehner" bill, not the "Boner" bill that had passed. Crestfallen but composed, hoards of homosexuals trudged from the landmark square and went home to wait for their next calling. "What the hell is the congress doing wasting time on the economy?" asked one glum gay. "When will they learn it's all about us?"

White House Will Use "ObamaSpeak"

2011-07-26T07:08:00.008-04:00

"You are a nitwit.
But those tatas are quite impressive!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. | by Robert Feeley

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney issued a statement this morning in ObamaSpeak, a new language some say is similar to George Orwell's dystopian doublespeak. The statement, "Economy up. Republicans idiotic. More jobs. Obama patriotic," was translated to ObamaSpeak from the standard English: "The economy continues to be screwed up as Republicans work to block idiotic legislation being considered by Congress. More jobs were lost this week, as Obama's perception as an unpatriotic rube continues to grow."

Miss Bazoombas

Gibbs explained that ObamaSpeak will allow the White House to communicate more effectively with those he called unenlightened. "We are too busy doing the work of the people to reveal every exiguous detail," he said. "We omit certain words that would only serve to bewilder nitwits. Like you" he said, pointing to SPN Headlines reporter Erica Bazoombas.

Gibbs concluded with, "Hoochie coochie, pumpkin pie, Afghanistan, Jewish rye." At press time there was no translation available.

Royal Ride Ripped in L.A.

2011-07-10T19:54:00.004-04:00

Royal Whip Stripped

LOS ANGELES | by Erica Bazoombas |
Prince William and Catherine, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, enjoyed visiting an inner-city arts center today, but were distressed on leaving when they discovered their car had been vandalized.

Tali Simpatico

"Gadzooks," quipped William, "I hope you don't think a little thing like this can keep a Windsor down," as he and his newlywed bride boarded a city bus to take them back to their hotel.

In a related story, the Prince's press secretary Kensington Smythe poo-pooed reports that William was involved in a disturbance in his hotel Saturday night. Guests complained someone in the Royal Suite was screaming "Tally-Ho!, Tally-Ho!" at 2 a.m. and LAPD reported arresting local prostitute Tali Simpatico as she was running through the lobby at approximately the same time. "Just a coincidence," said Smythe.

Expert: Homosexuality a Bad Habit

2011-07-06T13:07:00.011-04:00

BERLIN, Germany | by Erica Bazoombas - A leading researcher in the field of human behaviour has offered his expertise to the United States, telling President Barack Obama in a letter that homosexuality is "just a bad habit."

Düsseldorf University's Professor Wilhelm Wisenheimer revealed to SPN Headlines he informed Obama that homosexual activity is similar to nose picking, and can be ended with simple aversion therapy. This would, according to Wisenheimer, eliminate the need for the hotly debated "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and allow everyone to join the armed forces.

The controversial scientist, who is best known as the inspiration for the question what are you, some kind of a fucking wisenheimer? told SPN that he has successfully ended the filthy habit of nose-picking for thousands of patients by coating their fingers with skunk oil. He suggests doing the same for the "schwanzstuckers" of gay men in the military, explaining, "they will lose their immoral urges, and can then focus on shooting people."

Florida Marlins Hire Back Old Jack, Will Move to Depends Diaper Dome

2011-06-21T08:56:00.013-04:00

Jack McKeon at
press conference

MIAMI, Fl. - by Robert Feeley - The Florida Marlins announced the re-hiring of 80-year-old Jack McKeon as manager today, hoping he can energize "the fish" out of a miserable slump and return them to the glory they enjoyed in 1997 and 2003. The team also announced they are scrapping plans to move to a new ballpark in downtown Miami, and will instead build a new elderly-oriented stadium at a retirement condominium complex.

Marlins president Jerry Atric explained that due to limited mobility, McKeon needs to be close to where the team will practice and play, so the tam is building a new stadium near his home in Boca Raton's Century Village. "Our target market will be the 80 to 110 year-old demographic, and so we'll be starting all games at 4 p.m. with an early bird dinner served during the 3rd inning," said Atric. Extra-inning games will be suspended so fans can get home to watch Matlock re-runs at 8 o'clock and spectator seats will be equipped with individual oxygen tanks and "lift" mechanisms.

Depends Diaper Dome

The team will not sell season tickets, since few fans will actually live through the entire 162-game season, and only individual-game tickets will be available. The Depends undergarment company has purchased naming rights for the new stadium, and architect I.P. Offin promises that even with south Florida's extensive rain, the roof "will never leak."

Weiner Resigns, Checks in to Tiger's Rehab

2011-06-16T07:01:00.000-04:00

Anderson Cooper:
"Girls are icky."

(Naperville, Ill.) - by Robert Feeley - SPN Headlines has located the secluded sex rehab that treated Tiger Woods, and has confirmed that the super-secret sanctuary will host disgraced U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner, beginning today. The ultra-orthodox sect claims 100 percent success in transforming womanizers into wussies.

The Flaccid Fellowship, outside Chicago, is led by former roué Pee Wee Herman who confirmed today that Weiner has signed up for an intensive 9-week program designed to entirely eliminate his libido.

Herman described the course administered to Woods: "Brother Tiger successfully endured our standard regimen of saltpeter, alcohol and cigarettes, as well as forced viewing of the nude images of Rosie O'Donnell and Hillary Clinton," said Herman. Asked how golf's famous philandering cad responded to treatment, Pee Wee said, "there were times the poor bastard cried like a baby and begged for mercy." Mr. Herman also said he recalls that the lamentable lech once spent a whole weekend dry humping a fire extinguisher.

Herman: "Girls are icky."

The controversial cult uses electro-shock therapy to ingrain the dangers of female cooties into the subconscious minds of their convalescents. Limp leader Pee Wee said, "The next time Mr. Weiner ponders sending a lewd photo on the internet, he will immediately suffer painful groin spasms and crumple to the floor, his penis resembling a boiled prune." He added, "Trust me, it's a better way of life."

Palin Tweets Her Toes

2011-06-10T07:48:00.000-04:00

Palin's Piggy Boner

by Erica Bazoombas - Covetous of the massive notoriety and media attention garnered by U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner over his lewd Twitter pics, Sarah Palin today sent out several Tweets of her own today with pictures of her toes.

The ignored ignoramus was candid and direct about her feelings for the news media: “Last week the press chased me around like a paroled prisoner pursuing poontang, but suddenly it’s Weiner, Weiner, and more Weiner! When you’ve seen one wanker, you’ve seen them all.” She added, "When will they learn, it's all about me, me, me!"

Palin explained her reasoning for the curious communiqué: “Todd tells me my most erotic features are below my ankles, and so I decided to give my fans a little taste of my toes.” She concluded, “We have our own special version of piggy goes to market. I can't tell you which one is Todd's favorite!"

Palin Tattoo Session Goes Terribly Awry

2011-05-30T07:31:00.000-04:00

Washington, D.C. - by Erika Bazoombas - Infatuated and intoxicated by the camaraderie, patriotic fever, exhaust fumes and more than a few Budweisers at the Rolling Thunder rally, Sarah Palin spontaneously ducked into a local tattoo parlor Sunday afternoon and asked for a "classic biker-type" inking on her derrière.

Sarah's Stamp

But Palin's staff should have vetted the tattoo artist more carefully, as she emerged from the encounter with a grinning caricature of the Devil on her toned, taut tush. Palin discovered ex post facto that Izzy's Ink Inc. is owned by Izzy Kwier, outspoken atheist, socialist, anarchist, and the best-selling author of What Would Hitler Do? "I let her off easy," Kwier told SPN Headlines. "I was going to draw Obama........nude."

Izzy Kwier

Palin will now resume her national bus tour commencing with Connecticut, Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Asked if touring New England was a sign that she plans a run at the Presidency in 2012, Palin replied, "Why would I go way over there? They already have a queen!"

Palin Purchasing a Plethora of Properties

2011-05-28T18:05:00.000-04:00

Chicago Property

Boca Raton, Fl. - By Erika Bazoombas
Seeking to confound news hounds about her future endeavors and possibly woo potential voters in various socio-economic demographics, Sarah Palin has embarked on a cross-country real estate buying binge, SPN has learned. The recent purchase of a home in Arizona by daughter Bristol triggered initial speculation, and now another purchase by mommy dearest has politicos pondering her potential plans.

A source close to Palin with questionable character and no credibility but we accept every word as fact, told SPN that Palin has bought nine properties all over the U.S. in the last week, including a condo in south Florida's predominantly Jewish Century Village, a mushroom farm in Butte, Montana, and a dilapidated crack house on Chicago's south side, considered President Barack Obama's home turf. "Sarah Palin is either a real estate idiot savant, or she's just a fucking idiot," said Century 21 Realtor Fannie S. Crow.

Dushbag

Century Village retiree Herb Dushbag says he and other residents are not happy with the prospect of Palin moving into the quiet retirement community. "That self-righteous bitch should stay in Alaska and mind the mooses," said Dushbag. "We have enough yentas around here as it is!"

Related Story: Palin Pushes her new "Sarah's Scores"

"New" ACORN to Manage $20 Billion Fund

2011-05-28T09:14:00.000-04:00

ACORN boss Tony Fottere
at news conference.

NEW ORLEANS, La. | by Robert Feeley - President Obama announced this morning that a completely metamorphosed ACORN, now known as the Alliance of Callous Oil Recompensing Nihilists, will take control of the $20 billion dollar fund established to compensate oil spill victims.

Obama introduced longtime confidant and new ACORN boss, Tony Fottere and praised the Chicago businessman as having a track record of getting the job done. Obama said, "I think the Fottere Enterprises motto Fottere In Culo says it all, and this is what the people of the Gulf region can expect from my administration."

Lorraine Luber

Fottere said he plans to "hit the ground gunning" and has already issued several payments to Gulf Coast area businesses that sustained losses. A check for $225,000 went to Lorraine Luber, owner of the Pleasure Palace, who claimed to have oily stains in her parlour.

Oprah's Last Show: Terrorist Makeover

2011-05-25T07:33:00.000-04:00

BEFORE

CHICAGO | by Erica Bazoombas - Speculation has swirled for weeks about who would be the guest on Oprah Winfrey's final show, which airs today. Super secrecy and heavy security have surrounded the taping of the ultimate episode, but SPN was able to get inside the studio and report on the spectacular show.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was flown to Chicago and appeared on Oprah's most amazing "makeover" show ever, as the grisly goon was transformed from a ragged, malodorous crudbag to what Oprah described as "one cool ass, debonair towel-head!"

The metamorphosed maniac will reportedly attend several high-society parties while staying in the Windy City, and has been invited to a 4th of July picnic at the Mayor's house, unless his execution precedes the outing.

AFTER

Most of the expenses for the amazing transformation were picked up by the U.S. Justice Department, but several corporations donated services. Orkin provided delousing for the mass murderer, and a Supercuts stylist used a Poulan weed-eater to hack off his mangy mane. Bed, Bath and Beyond donated a tablecloth to crown the criminal's corrupt cranium.

Eager to model his new coif and duds, Khalil and a few close friends dined at Charlie Trotter's, then partied until dawn at exclusive Klub Kaboom!

Bin Laden Spotted at Florida Pain Clinic

2011-05-08T19:59:00.000-04:00

"What a fucking headache I have," says sinister survivor.

These gay seamen gave Osama mouth-to-mouth

BOCA RATON, Florida - by Robert Feeley - Reports of Osama bin Laden's demise have been greatly exagerrated, as witnessed by several other headache patients this afternoon at the Overdose Pain Clinic and Day Spa in Boca Raton, Florida. Clinic director Dr. Marcus Morphine told SPN Headlines that he prescribed several thousand Oxycontin pills for the ailing psychopathic terrorist but could not elaborate further on his condition, citing medical ethics.

Early this morning, SPN political analyst Erica Bazoombas was sunbathing at a local clothing-optional beach when Osama washed ashore, and she was able to get an exclusive interview. Bin Laden said that after being dumped in the Indian Ocean by the Navy, strong currents carried his barely-alive carcass all the way to the Carribean Sea, where he was spotted by a passing cruise ship. The S/M Bonero, specializing in gay cruises, scooped the exhausted bin Laden out of the water and passengers gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. "Jesus Christ, what a nightmare that was, it was worse than getting shot," Osama said. "I jumped off that floating fairyland as soon as I gained some strength, and swam here myself."

Bin Laden says he still feels like he is 80 percent dead, "so I think I'll fit into the Boca scene quite nicely." He added that he may remain in south Florida and play some golf, though he complained, "It's hotter than a camel's bung-hole down here!"

Terror Trial Set for Connecticut

2011-04-04T11:29:00.000-04:00

The verdict is in early
.........guilty!

(GREENWICH, Ct.) by Robert Feeley - While President Obama and his muddled minions meditate on where to hold the trial for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and several other crudbag terrorists, a well-known jurist has stepped forward and offered to handle the trial, deliberation, and sentencing. And all in a single day, with virtually no cost to the taxpayers.

A lovely setting

Judge Judith Sheindlin, aka Judge Judy, this morning offered to provide a site for the trial at her home in Greenwich, Connecticut. The austere adjudicator predicts the trial will last about 20 minutes with executions to be carried out forthwith.

"I have an old oak tree in the back yard, with a hangman's noose I made myself," she told SPN Headlines. "It should be a beautiful setting for an execution, certainly better than they deserve."

As for the cost, Sheindlin said, "perhaps a few dollars to have their smelly carcasses removed from my property and taken to the dump, that's all I ask."

See related story: Terrorist Gets "Extreme Makeover"

Activists Demand U.S. Use "Green" Bullets

2011-03-28T12:30:00.000-04:00

Ammo also makes a tasty snack.

Soybean Bullets are Eco-Friendly

(Washington, D.C.) by Erica Bazoombas - The danger of poisoning has prompted the removal of lead from toys, gasoline and paint over the past few decades. Now environmentalists say that the lead in bullets is causing damage to the environment and must be replaced by "eco-friendly" materials.

Members of Bothersome Liberals Against Most Everything (BLAME) have called on the U.S. armed forces to replace traditional ammunition with new "green" bullets. BLAME spokesperson Morgan Mushnik told SPN, "If we're going to shoot people, that's one thing, but please do it without harming Mother Earth." Mushnik also said that the bullets should comfort the families of war casualties who, when they are buried, won't pollute the earth with lead in their head.

The new bullets are being manufactured by the Beatnik Ballistics in San Fransisco. A hand grenade they are developing spreads good karma instead of shrapnel.

Osama bin Laden Spotted in South Florida

2011-03-22T04:01:00.000-04:00

Osama: "My cave smells like ass."

(SUNRISE, Fl.) by Robert Feeley - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden held a hastily organized press conference this morning, claiming credit for the Christmas Day terror attempt by "underwear bomber" Abdul Whacko al Kaboom and promising more murder, massacres and mayhem.

The heretofore reclusive mass murderer spoke to reporters at the Sawgrass Mills Mall in Sunrise, Florida where he was shopping for personal hygiene items. The sinister saboteur and sadist explained his in-person appearance to the press and said, "My cave smells like ass, man. I just couldn't take it anymore." He added, "I haven't changed my underwear in 9 years and I had to get out for some fresh air. I mean, damn!"

Angry Anti-Terror Chief
Moe Howard

After years of delivering his threats and messages by audio tape, bin Laden came face-to-face with President Obama's anti-terror chief Moe Howard and vowed to never be captured. "You couldn't catch a metaphor at a Shakespeare symposium you maladroit muttonhead," he yelled out to Howard. Then bin Laden stuck out his tongue and teased, "Nanny nanny boo boo!"

Furious, Mr. Howard took to the podium and said "Why I oughta...."

Mr. bin Laden then purchased some boxer shorts at the Brooks Brothers outlet and left for the airport, his aides carting along several cases of soap, deodorant, toothpaste and Listerine.

Desperate For Cash Tiger to Add 2nd Sport: NASCAR

2011-02-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

Tiger Wood's pit crew chief
Lisa Lugnut is said to be quite loose.

(Daytona Beach, Fl.) - by Robert Feeley - SPN Headlines - With his golf game in the crapper, Tiger Woods said this morning he will race in NASCAR to earn extra cash. The philandering cad also said he plans to eclipse Bo Jackson, considered the most prolific two-sport athlete in history.

Woods' crew chief said she has added rocket engines to a specially designed Buick Park Avenue which will reportedly reach speeds over 600 mph, exceeding the sound barrier.

Woods said he has been honing his skills behind the wheel by racing around his neighborhood in Orlando, Florida. "I'm way better than I was when I hit that tree in '09, but at 600 miles per hour I admit I am having a few oopsies," he said. Sponsors for his car include Geico Insurance, Spike TV's 1000 Ways to Die, and Forest Lawn Cemetery.

Global Warming Triggers Spring Fashion Chaos

2011-02-25T08:01:00.000-05:00

Noted Bon Vivant Stuns Palm Beachers with Early Appearance

Biff Beau-Monde

(Palm Beach, Fl.) by Robert Feeley - The official commencement of the Spring Fashion Season has been debated for centuries. Many opine that the vernal equinox (this year on March 20th at 7:21 pm EDT) is the appropriate juncture. Others hold dear to the tradition of Easter Sunday being the first day to don the togs of flowers and verdure. And now the issue of global warming is causing some to start the metamorphosis as early as February.

But those in the know in Palm Beach, Florida look for the first appearance of celebrated socialite and raconteur Biff Beau-Monde in his distinctive Brooks Brothers seersucker Bermuda short pants to signal "let's get this party started!"

And so it was early this morning at 10:36 am that locals got their first glimpse of Biff, staggering down Worth Avenue in his legendary knee-length pantaloons and sipping his trademark Grey Goose Bloody Mary. News spread across the island like Beluga caviar on a toast point, sending Biff's minions scurrying back to their estates. Personal valets were directed by their masters to transform closets forthwith in accordance with the sighting.

Immediately the Palm Beach town council met in emergency session and ordered the lowering of the winter American flag, woven of corduroy. A police honor guard then hoisted a new Ralph Lauren design, adorned with little polo ponies instead of stars, into the bright morning sky. Palm Beach mayor Gail Coniglio proclaimed today as Biff Beau-Monde Day and granted a week-long holiday for all town employees. Police and Firemen were ordered to try to stay sober in case of an actual emergency.

Palm Beach residents will be allowed the standard 24-hour grace period to enrobe in linen clam diggers, sun dresses, pastels and plaid after which time police officers will be authorized to shoot scofflaws.

Asked about the timing of his unexpected manifestation, Biff quipped: "I have absolutely no idea how I got here. I was hosting a wine and cheeser on Cape Cod last night, and this morning I wake up in a cabana at the Breakers. I was like WTF!"

Fox News Reporter Erica Bazoombas Joins SPN Headlines

2011-02-05T04:10:00.000-05:00

"Miss Bazoombas brings her ginormous
experience to SPN," said Pidass.

BEAVER FALLS, Fl. | by Robert Feeley - Veteran TV news reporter and anchor Erica Bazoombas has left Fox News Channel and joined the Florida based news group SPN Headlines.

Xavier Stuart "Stu" Pidass, the reclusive billionaire and founder of SPN parent company StuPidassNewsCorp made the surprising announcement at the Squalid Motel in Beaver Falls, peering out from behind the door of room 217.

Rare photo of Stu Pidass.

"I've been trying to get my hands on Miss Bazoombas for years", moaned Pidass. "Her talents are absolutely humongous, as even a blind man can se, or feel for that matter," he added. Bazoombas appeared briefly at the press conference, screaming, "for the love of God, someone call 911!" before being pulled back into the room by a Pidass bodyguard.

Industry insiders believe Erica's style will blend well with SPN, whose precept "perverse and oblique" is patently diametric to the Fox News "fair and balanced" bullshit.

Gays Will Serve....in Separate Units

2010-12-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

Two members of the Raging Rug Muncher Brigade.

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Erica Bazoombas - The vote to repeal the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy is being celebrated with braggadocio and bacchanalias by Sapphic soldiers and sodomitic sailors around the world. But breaking news that the military has created specific "gay brigades" is today evoking outrage from homosexual activists.

Chief of Army Operations Jack Meoff, the Army's only 5-rhinestone general, explained the new policy to reporters this morning in the Pentagon Pink Room, saying, "We feel that gay-only units will be more effective than if they were blended in with other soldiers."

"Imagine a group of commie commandos seeing a thousand pissed-off lesbians with bayonets charging at them," said Meoff. "I know I'd cover my nuts and run like hell!"

Basic training for the special troops will be at Fort Fagg in Key West, Florida. Gay unit nicknames being considered by the Pentagon are the Raging Rug Munchers and the Flaming Pansy Platoon. General Meoff says that in an attack, the Pansies will be assigned to "cover the rear flank."

Climate Scientist: I Used a Ouija Board

2010-12-11T12:44:00.000-05:00

(BUFFALO, N.Y.) by Robert Feeley - The scientist most responsible for the claim that global warming is a major imminent threat to the future of the planet has admitted his techniques did not rigidly adhere to the universally accepted Scientific Method.

Professor Richard Wadd of the SUNY University at Buffalo Department of Meteorology and Chicken Wing Research admitted that some of his data was obtained using unorthodox methods, and he spoke exclusively to SPN Headlines this morning. "How in the hell am I supposed to know how cold it was in Mesopotamia in 65 B.C.? So we used a Ouija board, and it seemed to work pretty well," said the air-headed atmospheric authority.

Dr. Wadd revealed his current method for recording temperatures. "I place a case of Heineken on the back porch for about an hour, record it's temperature and drink it. Then Al Gore comes over and we take each other's temperature." he explained. "Then we drink more beer, eat chicken wings and pass out. It's a good time, WTF."

Delaware Explosion Linked to Tea Party

2010-12-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

Auto-erotic aftermath

(Newark, De.) by Erica Bazoombas - A massive explosion at a chemical plant has been linked to a group of Tea Party die-hards who supported former candidate Christine O'Donnell and her admonition of masturbation, at least until yesterday.

Nine employees of the Newark Nitroglycerin Corp. were blown to smithereens when, according to OSHA investigators, one of them became aroused by a JC Penney holiday ad for lingerie and succumbed to the pressure of abstinence, setting off a chain reaction. The men had taken a vow to cease all masturbatory activities since the day after their preferred senatorial candidate O'Donnell lost to Democrat Chris Coons.

Catastrophic catalyst

Lead investigator Mike Oxlong said that examination of the scene suggests that somehow a series of catastrophic events occurred, leading to "one big ass boom." Oxlong described the catalyst as "a hot piece of ass in Christmas panties and bra," and added, "I still have a stiffy."

Newark Nitroglycerin Corp. chairman Ivan Incendiary told SPN Headlines, "this senseless tragedy was a total waste of a lot of really fine explosives." He added, "as for the men, I'm glad to be rid of them. What a bunch of dweebs."

North Korea Threatens War

2010-11-28T09:10:00.000-05:00

North Korean rocket test

(SEOUL, South Korea) — by Robert Feeley - North Korea put its armed forces on standby today and threatened a rocket attack, or "at least a nasty skirmish" with any country that jeopardizes their security. The threat came despite several failed rocket tests, most recently a NK44 Super-Duper Rocket that traveled 40 meters and crashed into a Dunkin Donuts in Pyongyang, killing 950 dissidents who happened to be drinking coffee there.

Reports also surfaced today that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is trying to hire former Star Trek star James “Scotty” Doohan to lead the nation’s missile program out of calamity despite the fact that Doohan died in 2005.

Kim appeared at a picnic and public execution wearing a Chicago Bears football helmet and proclaimed “We will fill the heavens with rockets, and this time they will reach their targets, although you never know. Let me know what happens.” The eccentric leader personally beheaded 19 traitors, barbecued a poodle, posed for pictures kissing babies and then retreated to a bunker several thousand feet below ground.

Kim Jong Il relaxes after
the daily executions.

President Obama interrupted his golf game briefly to speak with reporters and properly pronounced Pyongyang several times despite his injured lip. He added, “Bush couldn’t even say nuclear right, that lame ass fool."

Sarah Palin attempted to clarify her position on Korea by telling SPN Headlines, "Did you know that Korea leads the world in naming people Kim? And most of them are men! WTF?"

Related Story: Palin Says Obama is Weak on Crime

msnbc: End of the World Next Tuesday

2010-11-22T05:42:00.000-05:00

Keith Olbermann:
"I love Dick Cheney."

(NEW YORK, NY) by Robert Feeley - Blockbuster ratings for Glenn Beck's show on the Fox News Channel have prompted hosts on the rival msnbc network to do a 180 and emulate Beck's conservative, panic-inducing style with religious perspectives.

Keith Olbermann, who has been consistently spanked in the ratings by Fox, opened his show last night by reading a passage from the Bible he said proves that President Obama is the anti-Christ. He then dropped his pants, revealing his "I LOVE DICK (Cheney)" boxer shorts. Olberman ended his show by singing "God Bless the USA."

Maddow: "It's time to panic"

Later in the evening host Rachel Maddow told her audience that the Earth will be blown to smithereens next Tuesday at 3:45 pm, and is the result of "a loving God punishing evil-doing fornicators." The Sapphic socialist added that she is swearing off girls and will live the last week of her life as an evil-doing fornicator, "just to see what it's like. I mean, WTF."

Related Story: Olbermann Blows Up

Pelosi: Dems Will Repeal Law of Gravity

2010-11-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

Speaker says She Will Become Grand Poobah, Grant Voting Rights to Algae

Nancy,
Queen of the Moots

(Beaver Falls, Fl.) by Robert Feeley - Nancy Pelosi exercised her authority while she still has some this morning, creating new House positions in her soon-to-be-minority Democrat party. Pelosi appeared on the SPN Headlines program Beltway Balderdash, and said she hopes the new roles will clear up the leadership quagmire that has gripped the party since the November 2nd election.

Orange Whip

Nicknamed "Nutball Nancy" by her colleagues, Pelosi said she will assume the title of Grand Poobah, Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, or Top Banana, pending the results of a poll being conducted on her MySpace page. She also said she will not tolerate insubordination, and named former football star Rep. Heath Shuler the new Congressional Waterboy, after he threatened to challenge her.

Majority leader Steny Hoyer was set to become minority whip, but Pelosi said she doesn't like the way that sounds, and will instead be called Mr. Orange Whip and run the Congressional concession stand.

During the 3 week lame duck session, Pelosi promised as part of her "green" platform to grant voting rights to algae, and said Democrats will repeal the law of gravity to mitigate airplane crashes. Finally, she said the disappointing election results were George Bush's fault.

Obama Convenes Cry-In-Your-Beer Summit

2010-11-04T07:24:00.000-04:00

Boehner has tears of joy, and
hates Obama, but loves beer.

(Washington, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - President Obama summoned incoming Speaker-of-the-House John Boehner and Senate majority leader Harry Reid to the White House this afternoon for a cry-in-your-beer summit.

Obama says he wants
to drink beer and cry.

Obama told SPN Headlines, "Right now I'm pretty pissed off and I just feel like crying. I don't know what Boehner's problem is, he's been crying since last night, and Harry is coming because he'll show up any time there is free beer. Actually, free anything....what a mooch."

Obama said there was no real purpose for the meeting, except "to get good and drunk. And cry." Current Speaker Nancy Pelosi was not invited, as she only drinks wine from her own vineyard in California which, Obama said, "tastes like turpentine. Also, she is one obnoxious bitch!"

Florida: Crist Now Running as a Woman

2010-11-01T10:40:00.000-04:00

Before

(Miami Beach, Fl.) by Erica Bazoombas - Frustrated by the inability to win his party's nomination, and having failed to oust his Democrat opponent from the race, Florida Governor Charlie Crist traveled to Oslo, Norway over the weekend, underwent sexual re-assignment surgery, and will be the only trans-gendered person running for the U.S. Senate.

Crist, known for changing positions on crucial issues like health care, abortion and the Kardashian sisters, told SPN Headlines, "I am the only candidate who can now look at issues from the perspective of both a man and a woman." The flip-flopping floozy added that she was surprised at first with some of the changes. "I woke up this morning and reached down to scratch my balls, and.....well let's just say it was real WTF moment," she said.

After

Voters will have to look for the name Charlene Crist on ballots which are being hastily reprinted, and will also have to consider even more changes in the her positions. "I have decided to become a vegetarian, a pothead, a Mormon, and I am now in favor of bombing Argentina," said the caponized candidate. "We'll see how that works out, I can always do another switcheroo."

Obama Appoints Czar to Oversee Beatings

2010-10-31T11:41:00.000-04:00

Nature Boy Ric Flair

(Washingtin, D.C.) by Erica Bazoombas - President Obama this morning appointed retired wrestler Ric "Nature Boy" Flair to supervise and regulate the mayhem and violence erupting across the nation over contentious elections.

Obama said he will also hire 500,000 additional wrestlers to monitor polling places and make sure that only sanctioned moves, holds and throws are executed. Among the approved modes of pain infliction will be the piledriver, the Mongolian claw and the traditional body slam. The head stomp which was delivered to a moveon.org operative by a Rand Paul supporter was illegal according to Obama, and Mr. Paul will therefore have to "leave town" and is also ineligible to hold elected office for ten years.

"Totally legal" choke hold on a
disruptive republican, said Obama.

President Obama told SPN Headlines that the Russian choke hold administered to a republican supporter in Arizona recently was "totally within the guidelines of acceptable political torment." In a related story, press secretary Robert Gibbs resigned and will be replaced by legendary wrestling announcer Gordon Solie.

Unknown Leads in Nevada Senate Race

2010-10-27T10:05:00.000-04:00

(Las Vegas, NV.) by Robert Feeley - The race for U.S. Senator from Nevada has been plunged into chaos as a heretofore unknown candidate suddenly vaulted into the lead according to a new poll. The Uncle Rico Institute released the findings of an intensive poll taken over the past three weeks showing that Pedro, a reclusive high-school dropout with no last name, has moved into first place with 124% of respondents saying they will vote for him. Harry Reid dropped to negative 14% and Sharron Angle received minus 10%.

Republican and Tea Party favorite Angle reacted to the news, saying, "Pedro....hmmm....he sounds Asian." Senate majority leader Reid told SPN, "Gosh!"

Undecided Voters Suffer From Dangerous Medical Condition

2010-10-17T05:06:00.000-04:00

(NEW YORK, N.Y.) by Erica Bazoombas - Indecision is a debilitating condition that can prevent sufferers from taking a full and active part in society. A sufferer from indecision can often spend whole days in the house, afraid to go outside. The condition has come to be known as Undecided Mental Malady (umm) and when it comes to voting, the disorder may be accelerated to a dangerous level.

A recent study of the condition was completed by umm expert Dr. Vinnie Boombatz of the Institute of Bewilderment at NYU’s College of Blood and Goo, and is published in the current edition of the New England Journal of Lunacy. Dr. Boombatz asserts that people who cannot commit in the upcoming November 2nd elections should not be asked to make any choices at all for at least 24 hours before voting. “Just asking an umm sufferer ‘regular or decaf’ can cause them to curl up into a ball and roll around the floor,” said Boombatz. He added, “This is very disruptive when you are trying to vacuum.”

Umm syndrome gained national attention last month when it was used as a defense in a murder trial in Tampa, Florida. Defendant Al Dente claimed he stabbed his wife to death when she asked him to choose between butter and Parkay on his English muffin and he couldn't decide. The jury convicted Dente, however, and when they couldn’t choose between life in prison and the death penalty Mr. Dente stressed out, suffered a stroke and dropped dead in the courtroom. According to Dr. Boombatz he was a rare victim of "indirect umm."

Neighbor: Christine O'Donnell is a Witch

2010-10-14T07:19:00.000-04:00

Gladys Kravitz

(DOVER, Del.) - by Erica Bazoombas - Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has thus far weathered charges that she once dabbled in the occult, but a former neighbor says she has evidence proving that O'Donnell is in fact a witch.

Stevens

Mrs. Gladys Kravitz recalled that one Saturday night in 2004 she asked O'Donnell to pick up a bottle of Sambuca at the liquor store, and that the perky, prudish politico made the trip by flying on a broom. Kravitz produced an old VHS tape that she claims shows the aerial errand, but said she was too drunk at the time to focus the camera properly. "That bitch is a witch," the disquisitive dipsomaniac said, and then passed out.

O'Donnell campaign spokesman Darrin Stevens told SPN that a personal pleasure device being sold in adult novelty shops as "Christine's Magic Wand" has nothing to do with the diminuive Delawarian. "It's just a coincidence," he said.

Harry Reid: "Vote for Me or I'll Pose Nude"

2010-10-12T07:29:00.000-04:00

Nevada Senator's New PR Guru Also Coached Scott Brown, Nixon

Scott Brown

(Washington, D.C.) - by Erica Bazoombas - Scott Brown's meteoric rise to the U.S. Senate came as a surprise to most, but not to Las Vegas image consultant Barb Iturate. Posing nude and driving a pickup truck is the recipe for eminence and fame says the public relations genius who helped launch the political career of Richard Nixon. "A lot of people don't remember Nixon posing nude, but he did," Iturate told SPN. "They didn't call him Tricky Dick because of his politics" she added.

Reid: "I'll take it all off, baby."

Now embattled Senate majority leader Harry Reid has hired Iturate to get him through a very tough election this November in Nevada where he is trailing in every poll and is reportedly desperate to win. Iturate spoke to SPN this afternoon and said: "If I don't detect a major change in the polls soon you'll be seeing Harry's hairy ass on the pages of your Sports Illustrated and Ladies Home Journal." The Nevada Democrat said he has already purchased a pickup truck, a 1955 Dodge. "It's way cool dude," he said.

Olbermann Blows Up On the Air - Literally

2010-09-03T12:17:00.000-04:00

Olbermann: Blown to smithereens.

(New York, NY) by Erica Bazoombas - Keith Olbermann surprised his audience last night when he exploded on camera at the end of his show.

A horrified NBC news president Hugh G. Rection later appeared on-air and explained that the incident was not an act of terrorism as first reported, and attributed the disgusting detonation instead to Latent Intestinal Bloating or LIB.

"Keith traditionally ends his show by saying "it's been 1,249 days since Bush did this or Bush did that, blah, blah, blah", said Rection. "The truth is, it had been 49 days since Mr. Olbermann had experienced a bowel movement, and he was tragically blown to smithereens by the inevitable eruption."

The entire Rockefeller Center complex where Olbermann's and several other shows are taped will be closed through the Labor Day weekend for haz-mat teams to clean and disinfect the premises.

Sources say Olbermann's Countdown will be replaced by Pee-Wee's Playhouse, offering a more intelligent view of the news.

Related Story: MSNBC Goes Conservative

White House Defends Obama's Golf

2010-08-30T07:35:00.000-04:00

Spokesman Says Many Presidents Played Golf in Times of Trouble

President Clinton's golf instructor.

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - Conservative pundits have blasted President Obama for playing golf during the current economic crisis, but White House spokesman Robert Gibbs says the practice is commonplace, and this morning cited examples of previous presidents who used golf as stress-relieving therapy.

"President George W. Bush, in the days following 9/11 played Frisbee golf almost every day," said Gibbs. "The problem was that he couldn't figure out how to get the Frisbee into the hole, and eventually he gave up."

Gibbs also said that during the dark days of his impeachment hearings, former President Bill Clinton would go out on the links to rid his mind of anxiety and tribulations. "President Clinton played golf at night, so as to not attract crowds and he even hired a private teacher," said Gibbs. "That man was totally committed to perfecting his stroke, he added."

New Czar to Locate Missing Stimulus Money

2010-08-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

(Washington, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - President Obama promised it would be easy to track how economic stimulus funds – nearly $1 trillion worth – are being spent. The federal government set up the website www.recovery.gov to track the money, but the website itself has reported millions of dollars were spent in congressional districts that don't exist, and that other money has simply disappeared.

To clear up the discrepancies, President Obama today named legendary French detective Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau as his new "missing money czar" who will track down the absent cash.

"It's not my fault. I swear."

"I can't think of anyone I would rather have on the case than Jacques and his trusted aide Cato," Obama said in a news conference at the White House. "We are trusted stewards of the people's hard earned tax dollars, and we need to act responsibly," he said. The president then signed a bill spending $ 24 billion dollars to study how cow shit contributes to global warming and left on another golf vacation.

Superheroes "Kick-Ass" and "Hit-Girl" Join Team Obama

2010-08-13T05:47:00.000-04:00

Kick-Ass has been ordered to
kick some Glenn Beck butt.

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - White House press secretary Robert Gibbs met reporters this morning and promised that President Barack Obama would follow through on his promise to "find some asses to kick" and then introduced superheroes Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl.

Hit-Girl: "I aim to kick some BP ass!"

Gibbs explained, "the president is far too busy working on hope and change to personally kick asses," and added that the appointment of the two ultra-violent characters demonstrates Obama's "amazing ability to acquiesce, relegate and circumvent." Gibbs also said the president is also a little out of shape from smoking, and hasn't actually been in a fight since 2nd grade when Samantha Gilhooly stole his Twinkie at recess. Obama lost.

Obama: Jail for Health Insurance Scofflaws

2010-08-07T09:08:00.000-04:00

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - President Obama said today that those who refuse to pay for government health care insurance will not get a "free ride" and will instead be locked up in jail. He also announced his new Health Insurance Prison Czar will be Mayberry, N.C. sheriff Andy Taylor.

Free ObamaBeer!

Sheriff Taylor, who is known for allowing inmates to keep the keys to their cells and serving home cooked meals appeared with Obama at a press conference along with long-time inmate Otis Campbell, who was recently named Obama's new Czar of Alcoholic Beverages and personal bartender. "I loved being in jail," exclaimed Campbell. "Wait until you try Aunt Bea's chicken pot pie. And Saturday is movie night with free beer!"

Republicans are upset over the administration's plans to house prisoners in Hyatt hotels until the actual prisons are built, which will cost an estimated 3.5 bazillion dollars and take 20 years to complete.

Financial Reform: "Trust Your Dough to the Big B.O."

2010-07-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley -
The 34,219-page Wall Street reform bill passed yesterday contains some changes that may surprise consumers when it goes into effect on Monday.

The new Bank of Obamica will accept deposits during regular business hours, but consumer withdrawals will be permitted only one day per year, on February 30th. Loans will only be granted to left-handed members of the Politburo who have doctoral degrees from Ivy-league colleges.

Goldman Sachs Obama has absorbed all other Wall Street firms and will now be the only investment firm available. The 200 year old motto, "Our client's interests always come first" will now be "Trust your dough to the big B.O." Dividends, if any, will be taxed at 107%.

The primary author of the new law, Senator Barney Frank, will be recognized for his hard work with the initiation of the three dollar bill.

Obama: John Q. Public is "Joe Jerkwad"

2010-07-14T05:06:00.000-04:00

"Go get some white-out."

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - President Obama said today that a last minute change in the financial reform bill is necessary but is "too complicated for the average Joe Jerkwad to understand."

Obama spoke to a group of sycophants gathered at his feet in the White House briefing room. "Only a legal scholar like me can understand the intricate technical specifics involved. You'll just have to trust me," he said as he left for a round of golf.

The Wall Street Reform Law will now regulate hedge trimmers rather that hedge funds, who have given millions to Obama and many congressmen. "Just a coincidence," said Chris Dodd, senator from Connecticut. SPN obtained a copy of the revised documents which show that portions of the bill that said "fund" had been whited out and "trimmer" was written in with a blue crayon.

Senator Barney Frank told SPN, "I don't think people realize just how dangerous hedge trimmers can be. Last week some maniac I paid to trim my garden hedge did a horrific job!" Frank said he was too embarrassed to invite friends to his home for a lingerie party after the bungled butchery of his beloved bush. "Hedge funds, they're harmless pussycats," he giggled.

Zombies Plague Florida as LeBron Fever Spreads

2010-07-10T15:53:00.000-04:00

Morons in Miami are buying tickets
to watch these 3 dullards dribble.

(MIAMI, Fl.) by Robert Feeley - South Florida basketball fans are in a ticket-buying frenzy as pandemonium grips people from all walks of life, and death, after superstar LeBron James signed to play hoops for the Miami Heat.

Police are receiving reports of recently buried corpses rising from their graves to join living fans robbing banks and 7-11s across the state to get money for precious Heat tickets. Miami mayor Manny Malingerer ordered all city employees to extend their daily siestas from 4 to 5 hours to go and buy more tickets.

Zombie: "grrrrrrrrrrr, LeBron,
grrrrrrrrrr, Obama, grrrrrrr"

Even the nearly-dead joined in the revelry, as illustrated by Mr. Morris Impleton, who sold his only kidney to buy a single-game ticket, and then dropped dead. An hour later he was back in line at the Miami Arena as a zombie buying more tickets. Heat marketing director Howard Heister told SPN, "I've never seen anything like it. People are selling their daughters into slavery to see LeBron. It's wonderful, what a country!"

In a related story, President Obama has dispatched 500 ACORN community activists to Miami to register the zombies to vote.

FBI: Swine Flu Originated in Secret Lab

2010-07-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

(CHICAGO, Il.) by Robert Feeley - Widely held theories that the swine flu (H1N1) virus originated among pigs near Vera Cruz, Mexico were shattered this morning when a secret laboratory near Hooterville, Illinois was raided by federal agents. FBI agent Bob Akin described a diabolical plot hatched by several local residents at a news conference held this morning at the Trump Shady Rest Hotel and Convention Center.

Akin revealed that bio-chemical engineers Fred and Doris Ziffel, along with their pet pig Arnold and a foreign agent known only by the code name "Mr. Haney" concocted the virus in 2006, conspiring to infect Americans and then profit by selling an ineffective vaccine. Federal documents divulge that the well-organized syndicate planned to market the "cure" through their nationwide retail chain of Sam Drucker Stores.

The New York law firm of Oliver Wendell Douglas is reportedly being retained to represent the defendants.

President Names New Gulf Oil Spill Czar

2010-06-27T11:03:00.000-04:00

Professor Howard

(Washington, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - SPN Headlines - President Obama has been able to deflect criticism for the slow cleanup in the Gulf, blaming former President Bush and his minions for most of the mess. Today Obama, a.k.a. the Teflon Trotskyist, named Professor Curly Howard as Czar of all Bush-related maladies, including the Gulf oil spill.

Dr. Howard demonstrates
his "re-direction"technique.

Howard, Director of the Shemp Research Institute will employ an unorthodox methodology to end the crisis by re-directing the oil flow to some other location, like Cleveland. If that fails, Dr. Howard may consider an extremely dangerous maneuver he demonstrated in the Three Stooges episode Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise, where he literally sat on the gusher to stop the oil flow and saved the home of a destitute widow who had been swindled by greedy Republicans.

Fielding Mellish is Obama's New Immigration Czar

2010-06-24T11:05:00.000-04:00

Immigration Czar Fielding Mellish

(SAN ANTONIO, Tx.) by Robert Feeley - President Obama this morning named Fielding Mellish, the former El Presidente of San Marcos, to be his new Czar of Immigration. Mellish was confirmed by the Senate late last night despite concerns over his criminal record, which includes a conviction for shoplifting a pornographic book written in Braille. Mellish testified, "I rubbed the dirty parts."

"Yo quiero Obama dinero."

Obama appeared with Mellish at a news conference and said, "Mr. Mellish is parochial, pompous and puerile, all qualities the people expect from my administration." Obama then left for a round of golf.

Mellish said his first order of business will be to require all current U.S. citizens to wear their underwear on the outside, so they can be identified and rounded up to fill out paperwork. Undocumented persons will be given pink Cadillacs, chihuahuas and $10,000 cash "just because it seems like a nice thing to do. WTF." said Mellish.

Obama Endorses Torture for Terror Suspects

2010-06-17T09:13:00.000-04:00

Anti-Terror Task Force.

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - President Obama mixed business with pleasure this morning when he played golf and discussed strategy with the three members of his new top-secret task force, who will employ high tech torture as a tool against terror. Obama would not name the three men, citing national security, but said they are all experts in extracting information.

Painful torture techniques
are designed to leave no scars.

Obama spoke with reporters while sipping a gin and tonic at the clubhouse bar of the Tiger Woods Poontang Par 69 Golf and Country Club in suburban Prozac, Maryland. The President said, "I pity the poor fools who cross paths with these highly trained law men. They mean business!"